Day 63: Angst in the Afternoon

Over two months now. I'm sorry it's been a few days since I checked in. Part of the problem is I don't feel like I'm doing anything worth reporting. I'm still eating fairly well, but how is that news worthy. Actually Saturday was another huge family thing that saw me popping a few things in my mouth that I shouldn't. The worst being cigarettes. I'm not eating cigarettes. Here I am on the cusp of my two year anniversary of quitting smoking and I'm smoking a bit... a little more than a bit... not that much... but enough to cause concern.

So this activity has caused a break down in everything. Like I said, I'm still eating healthy and keeping my calories low, I just feel, I guess ashamed is the only word I can think of. How can I possibly be doing an ything good if I'm doing this bad thing again? You know?

Sorry to sound pitiful and sorry for myself. I'm not. I got a lot of nice compliments on how I'm looking and I jsut stood there feeling like a liar. Which I'm not. But I am, just not about that... confused?

Imagine where I am at.

Day 58: Kamikaze Fish

Heyho! Not actually much to report. Still busy in all aspects of my life. The one piece of news I have to report is that I just accidentally swallowed a giant wad of sugar free gum. It was this fruit Trident and I was just chewing it for the taste... mmmmmmmm... and then it leapt down my throat like a Kamikaze fish. I am so sick to my stomach. Errrk.

My big problem right now is motivating myself to work walking back into my routine. My evenings have been nearly filled with Gag Reflex, so my walks with Danny have been sparse. And I can't seem to get up to work out with Simmons. I feel like I have lost steam. I need to find some way to get my ass out of bed in the morning or out of the recliner in the evening. I'm still doing fine with the calorie intake, but I need to get back to the other half and probably increase it. I'm considering a gym.

Talk to you all soon. e

Day 55: Meat, Myself and I

What a freaking week. Working in the college textbook industry, this is our hot season. It's been freaking crazy. A great time for some stress eating which I, thankfully avoided. It's the time when people bring comfort food to work to share and enjoy as stressed customers call us and shove us bodily into the culture of panic. Everybody in an office setting goes through periods like this. So how do you avoid this? Allow me to share my wisdom with you...

Here's a few tips to avoid shared comfort food (that will buy acreage in your ass...)

1. Get that morning cup of steaming joe and take a big, thoughtless swig, incinerating your tastebuds for a few days. A little pain will make those cranium sized cranberry muffins less appealing.

2. Channel all your temptation into the sexual harrassment of that long sought-after co-worker. Remember, it's not stalking... it's stick-to-it-ivness.

3. Assault the offending food sharer with their food and some psychotic screams of "ENABLER! ENABLER!"

4. Spend possible snacking time forging pink slips for jumpy co workers.

5. When the smell of fresh Panera morning goodies wafts through your cubicle, take a big whiff - get up from your desk - walk to the lavatory - lock the door and masturbate until you sprain something.

So you get the idea...

By the way, if you are ever at a barbecue and you are attempting to come up with a witty comeback when somebody keeps pointing out that you're not having a burger or a dog and you keep hovering over the veggie tray... I think I came up with a funny comeback... tell them you are suffering from "meat exhaustion". Sorry, that cracks me up.

And speaking of apologies... why do some people insist on apologizing for enjoying food in front of me? This has been happening since January when I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis. This means I can't eat seeds and nuts. So no tomato slices or cucumbers or almonds... etc. If I rounded a corner and caught a friend eating peanut M&Ms I'd get an apology. It's twice as bad now that I have cut out so much. Like you enjoying a Whopper is going to send me over the edge. The mere sight of a forbidden food will reduce me to a quivering, sobbing child-thing huddled under my desk. Relax. Please! These are my choices (or Doctors orders as the case may be) and I don't expect everyone else to comply. I also don't expect you to have the same spiritual beliefs or really dig Marillion.

So enough of my stand-up... I went to a big family bbq today. I banked my calories because I knew I would indulge a little. And I did, a little. I had a few hamburger patties (no bun because that usually doubles that caloric value), no cheese. Just a little mustard. I also had a couple of deviled eggs, some veggies and a little angel food cake... And those burger patties are still sitting in my stomach 8 hours later. Cripes. You know, meat exhaustion.

I also want to send a shout out to my sis-in-law Margy who is doing great. She's already dropped over 20 lbs I hear and is working to double that by the time we all go to Ireland in November. Rock on! If there are bombs... they are you.

Talk to ya'll soon.

Day 51: Manifestations

Okay, so I tried it... With a little effort I tugged one more belt notch. Not comfortable enough to walk around with it that tight, but I did it. Then I noticed that once I get to that point comfortably, that's the last notch on my belt. I will need to make my first weightloss wardrobe purchase...

Or I will punch another hole. That's probably what I will do, being the kind of person I am. Only replace the shoes when they fall apart. only buy a new sirt if the damage is irrepairable. The other thing that happened is that I put on my Cubs shirt from the sweet 2003 season. It was always a little tighter than the others. It fell loose around me.

It's actually happening. Physical manifestations abound. Where will I be in October? For Thanksgiving? For that January sales meeting in Arizona? First stop, a new suit. Something a little lighter. The suit I have now was bought for a conference in California in 2000 and it's dark, dark blue... executive cut (that's what they say when you're fat but have the money to buy a euphemism). Something tan. Maybe a lighter colored sport jacket. I have always liked tan and red or beige and red. Or maybe off-white with a red tie.

I have decided that for the January meeting me and Millie and Danny are going to drive to Phoenix. I am going to take a couple of days to drive through New Mexico again. I am really excited. It will be 10 years since I was there and maybe I can revisit some of the places I was last time. Just for a little while on the way to and from the meeting. Maybe New Year's Eve on the road. Who knows?

All I know is, I'm going to be thinner. Nearly half way to my goal. Perhaps not instantly recognizable... probably too much to hope for. Maybe my face will thin out enough that I can ditch the beard and not look like one of the Campbell's Fucking Soup Kids. It's all in my hands.

Good night y'all.

Day 49: Eyes on the Prize

My eyes are on the prize... you want to see it? This is a picture of me in July of 1996 outside the NASA space museum in Alamagordo, New Mexico. My weight was down from living on my own for the first time, lots of theater, loss of appetite after a bade break up... I looked great. No really, it's the best I have ever looked. Of course, the minute I got happy a ballooned again. But here it is... and I make no apologies for the fun hat...



Today was a good day. I worked out this morning. Made fairly decent choices about what I ate, even though there was a box of Krispy Kremes staring me in the face all day. I have discovered the wonder of No Sugar Added Swiss Miss... yay!!! 50 calories, chocolatey and perfect when the midafternoon munchies hit. AND I walked this evening with Danny. Millie bought a pedometer so I know exactly how far I went. 1.3 miles.

So... about yesterday. Sorry. I guess. I want to be honest in this blog and that's exactly what I was feeling. I know it sounded self pitying and weak, and truthfully, I have to accept that. To force my body back to something it was 9 years ago, it really is a struggle. And I need to ride out the waves as well as the still waters. If I don't, I will fail.

I don't want to fail. I have no intention of failing. I want people at the January meeting in Arizona to not recognize me. I want to stop being embarrassed to get on stage and do what I love. I... ah shit... I've been over this. What I really want is for women to long for me when I'm washing the car... or you know, carrying orphans from a fire or... bailing hay or fixing a tire... Let's be honest shall we.

It won't happen, but it's fun to dream. Until my wife slaps me in the head because I have that goofy grin on my sleeping face. I hate when she does that.

Eyes on the prize...

Day 48: Cold Shoulders

Today was a self destructive day for me. Just a day filled with bad decisions about food. I was rotten to myself and I was rotten to my boy. If Millie hadn't worked last night and slept all day I'm sure I would have been rotten to her too. In interesting wrinkle has entered the mix, my smoking. After nearly two years I had one a few months ago... didn't have another - I'm okay (right) to smoke on occasion. Had a few in Florida when I was drinking. Still okay. In fact, they made me kind of sick to my stomach. Last two nights, show stress... bummed one, bummed another...

I just have an addictive personality. No matter what it is, smoking, fast food, gambling, woman, loading songs into my MP3 player, my website, Gag Reflex... if it gives me a modicum of pleasure, I will return time and time again with increasing unhealthiness. It doesn't matter. From the time I was 5 years old my mother told me I had tunnel vision. And she was right. I never saw it until now because, you know, like everybody I thought my mom was full of shit. But she saw it in me. The way I could grab on to something and never let go.

So how do I do this? How do I take this way of living, this way of thinking that I have practiced for over thirty years and turn it into its exact opposite? How do I make myself addicted to the things that take effort, work, struggle, pain and only have an abstract outcome? Eating pizza is so easy. Bumming a smoke is so easy and it's right there! I have even sculpted myself into this attention hog comedian because laughter and applause are "now" responses that give me a rush.

Tonight, sitting here in my den, this all suddenly seems impossible. 20 feet away my son is sleeping. The center of my world. My biggest fan. My coach. The one I was so rotten to today. I need to be a better man for him. It's like it's not just about the food tonight. It's not just about the hundred pounds. I am just ashamed of how I let things control me and it's about changing that.

And I am frightened that my mood will get darker before it gets better. I get this, tingling numbness in my shoulders... not in the heart attack way. Just this chill in them when I lose hope or faith or heart or whatever. It's almost like that disbelieving nightmare tingle that happens in your spine when someone dies. I think it's just my shoulders slumping. I know that sounds stupid and self pitying, but it's true.

I'm not giving up. I can't. I've come too far. I know that, but it's not helping me tonight. I just want today to end. I want to slip into Danny's room, squeeze him, and go to sleep. And that's what I'm going to do. Maybe tomorrow, things will look brighter. My one bright spot today was the walk. In the middle of all this self loathing and self defeating behavior, I forced myself to do my walk. My legs were killing me but it felt SO good to be doing it. I am glad I did.

Sorry to sound so pathetic and weak, but I suppose that's part of this battle. I've never done this before and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking this trip with me. It makes this all easier. Before, I would feel this and ignore it and then fail. Now, putting it into words seems to help.

Tomorrow is another chance to do this all right. To be a better man.

The ox is slow, but the earth is patient.

Day 47: Houseflies

Sorry I have been been incommunicado the last few days. We have been preparing open the new Gag Reflex show DESPERATE HOUSEFLIES. This period is really a test for me, not so much the eating, but the blogging. This blog is supposed to be the center point of this diet. It keeps me focused and it keeps me honest. And to be honest, I have lost my focus with it and for that I am sorry.

The eating is going fine. Probably not as many vegetables as I should, mostly because I need to take a trip to the grocery store. I am still having trouble believing that it's been over a month and a half since I have had any fast food. I take that back, on a particular night before rehearsal Millie wanted Burger King. I had one of their Morning Star veggie burgers, which was slightly defeated by the mayo they put on it. I scraped off what I could. Later when I loaded it into FitDay.com it wasn't too bad calorie wise. So that's an option if stopping and having Burger King is a must for somebody else.

That's one of my big things. I don't want anybody to change their habits because I need to change mine. I hate when people try to do that. I've quit drinking so you should quit drinking. People keep apologizing for discussing food or eating food. fo Christsake. It's like they think I'm Sylvester in that cartoon where he gives up birds and then kisses Tweety, tastes him, kisses him again and again and then turns into a snarling birdivore again. I won't freak out and kill you for your McChicken, I swear.

I WILL talk to you all tomorrow!

Day 44: Numbers

So I am now officially at 3 belt holes without really forcing it. I also got word from my doctor. My thryroid tested normal, so my meds are finally regulated. I also heard all my other numbers - cholesterol (in the 80s) and so forth - and I am well below any area of concern. Those numbers were never really a problem, but it's nice to hear all the same.

So now it's just down to me and my habits. And with 3 belt holes in 44 days... I'm off to a good start.

It's going to be a good day. Thanks again to all of you - you are such a big part of my success.

Day 42: "So Sushi - Sushi - Shoot Bullets..uh ...Mooshi..."

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm Last night as my boy filled his face with hot dogs I enjoyed a nice big plate of sushi. For some reason I have fallen in love with those little things. And they aren't bad on the diet. And, strangely, after my pondering on grazing two days ago, I didn't graze yesterday.

One thing that I have let slip recently is water. I haven't been drinking as much water. So I am back on the water horse today. And my knees are constantly bouncing because I have to pee.

Right back.

Okay, I'm back. Anyway. Danny and I took a long walk yesterday and wound up sacking on organic dried fruit for lunch. Nummy. It was a good day. I am currently waiting to hear...

Hold on. Right back.

... from my doctor about my thyroid meds. I'm anxious to get started on the next level. This part of my new mission. The other thing I am going to do before long is look into getting a sleep study done. I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea which I have heard can cause weight gain also.

So, basically, I am getting detailed like a car. ONce my behavior is completely modified, my thyroid is being rgulated with meds and I am getting restful sleep... maybe then I can finally...

Ooop hold on.

... what was I saying?

Day 40: Grazing Into The Abyss

40 Days is such a nice round number. Here are some things you can do in 40 days: Kick start a life style change (diet) OR flood the world - whatever. Either way, day 40 is here and I need to boil eggs.

I'm trying to figure out how to do this within the context of grazing. It's the hardest part of all of this to kick. I can kick fast food. I can kick late night snacking. But grazing seems to be the hardest part for me to kick. I would much rather come home from work and graze dinner than actually sit and have a meal. I've been working on it and I think it's about variety. The same reason that I love buffets, smorgasbords and tapas. I like a little bit of lots of things. I also think that's where a lot of my problems come from. Because I like a lot of variety, that's why my fast food orders always included multiple entrees, because you can't really graze at a drive-thru.

So variety is the spice of my life. So how do I make that work inside the confines of this dietary change (I'm still avoiding the word diet at all costs)? Do I fight my self and try to squash the culinary wanderlust? Or do I alter the way I graze and the things I graze? Neither is easy. They both take a conditioning of the will. And many people seem to think that keeping the digestive fires going all day helps, so eat many small meals. It 'tis a puzzlement. Which do I do.

As I sit hear writing this I'm thinking I will opt for #2 and accept the eating style but change the food (which is pretty much what I've been doing with some success). But I am also wondering if I am rationalizing. Will my conscience (you know, Vi) start kicking me and telling me I'm lying to myself. So, in the end and in the immediate I need to boil eggs. Probably the most successful week I've had was the week where I had all these salads premade. So I'm going to go make some salads and have some eggs on hand, so when I open the fridge to graze... better stuff is grazing back at me.

danny

Sorry, Danny begged to come in and type his name. He did. Swear to God. I'm so proud.

'night.

Day 39: "Is it about the hedge?"

Back in the swing with the food today. Had to fast this morning because I got my blood drawn for my Thyroid test. They should be upping my meds in the next few days. Maybe this time is the charm and my thyroid will kick in and help the fight.

Tomorrow my leg should be well enough that I can get back to my walking regime. And dare I say, perhaps the bike? I'm a little concerned about the bike. My mass teetering on the top of a bike is just asking for trouble. We'll see. I want to ride it, I'm just worried. It's only fair to Danny to give it a shot.

Took the fam out for dinner tonight. I forgot how much I hate canned salmon. I ordered the "shockeye" salmon low cal plate, everything was good but the salmon. I started having visions of Monty Python's Meaning of Life ... "How could we all have died at the same time." "the salmon Mmmmmmmmmmmooooooousse" "Dahling, you didn't use canned salmon did you?" "I'm most dreadfully embarrassed."

Well, if the Grim Reaper appears in my den, I'll know why.

Day 37: Standing In The Middle Of A Long Desert Road Looking At A Map

Again with the motivation. I managed the third belt hole, the one I cal #4. It was a bit of a stretch, but I did it. It promptly went back to hole 3 after lunch. Back somewhat into the routine. I'm having a hard time getting a handle on where I am with this. Miami seems to have thrown me a bit. It loosened the nuts on my resolve somewhat. Since I had my Cuban night and didn't lose any noticable ground, I am fighting my mind which is now working to convince me that slippage is fine.

I need to think about that January sales meeting. I need to think about that next belt hole. I need to get in for my blood test and up my thyroid medication. I need to know the next step. It's like Miami was a milestone. It was the first chunk of the year. It was a dividing point. Now I need to find which way the next goal is. I need to do something different in the way of exercise I think. My knee is still bothering me, so I haven't done much in the last two days. But still, I need to grab something and move with it. I wish I still had my drum kit. More than that, I wish I was still playing drums in JACK. That was a friggin workout. Best shape I was ever in was a direct result of Jack drumming and of course the "break up" in 96, which some readers may be familiar with and others don't really want to know.

So, where to go next... hmmmm....

Day 36: Back In The Saddle Again

I am home and recovering! HA! This past week was interesting from the diet stand point. One thing about corporate America, they shove food in your face at every turn. I am proud to say that while I was not able to blog or do FitDay at a constant level, no real ground was lost in the battle... but there were a couple of minor skirmishes that I surrendered to. :)

First of all I really want to thank my friends who were down there with me and gave me constant words of encouragement. Mad Dog, Pam, Greg, Ros, Lori and Deanna; thank you thank you thank you. Really. I can't tell you, even if you are just saying it to be nice, how much it means to me. They made sure to tell me how good I was doing and that they were proud of me and that I was looking good. Sappy? Yep, sure am. But that's a great support system when you are are away from home.

And I managed to get exercise even when I didn't expect to. Midnight, drunken stolls up the strip at 3am burn just as manyu calories as the ones where I don shorts and my headphones. I did that too, but the other was a little more fun. I also managed to get in a little Richard Simmons, which I burned onto a CD for ease of travel. However, the transfer to DVD was strange and the sound was out of sink. HAHAHAHA So I had to stop watching and just listen too him. My rhythm is off already, I didn't need any help from him. HA!

Now for the confessional portion. There was a night of absolute culinary debauchery that I would do again in a heartbeat. My good friend Ben Rivera took me and Mad Dog Rybak to a Cuban place on Lincoln called YUCA... holy shit! I ate like I haven't in ages. Pork tenderloin, empanadas, beans, rice... It was awesome and felt like someone parked a Hummer in my gut. Luckily I prepared. I knew that I was going out that night, and I didn't know where, so I had fruit for breakfast and nothing for the rest of the day. I'm fairly sure I went WAY over my calorie limit, but because I prepared, it wasn't as far over.

There was also a quick, sweaty, drunken burger... but that was the alcohol eating. Like they always say "What Happens In Miami, Goes Straight To Your Ass".

So I am back and back into the routine. Walking and exercising will be a little rough because I f-ed up my knee dancing. Yes, I was dancing. Like I said, I got exercise. However, that's the only exercise I can think of where I need to get pretty liquored up first. But I messed it up and then want out strolling around town. The pain is all worth it, because I had a great time. It does, however, mean, that I will need to find another way to get some exercise in for a few days.

Oh and Millie bought a mountain bike while I was away. I haven't been on a bike it over ten years. I'm a little worried. :)

Love ya all!
e