Day 48: Cold Shoulders
Today was a self destructive day for me. Just a day filled with bad decisions about food. I was rotten to myself and I was rotten to my boy. If Millie hadn't worked last night and slept all day I'm sure I would have been rotten to her too. In interesting wrinkle has entered the mix, my smoking. After nearly two years I had one a few months ago... didn't have another - I'm okay (right) to smoke on occasion. Had a few in Florida when I was drinking. Still okay. In fact, they made me kind of sick to my stomach. Last two nights, show stress... bummed one, bummed another...
I just have an addictive personality. No matter what it is, smoking, fast food, gambling, woman, loading songs into my MP3 player, my website, Gag Reflex... if it gives me a modicum of pleasure, I will return time and time again with increasing unhealthiness. It doesn't matter. From the time I was 5 years old my mother told me I had tunnel vision. And she was right. I never saw it until now because, you know, like everybody I thought my mom was full of shit. But she saw it in me. The way I could grab on to something and never let go.
So how do I do this? How do I take this way of living, this way of thinking that I have practiced for over thirty years and turn it into its exact opposite? How do I make myself addicted to the things that take effort, work, struggle, pain and only have an abstract outcome? Eating pizza is so easy. Bumming a smoke is so easy and it's right there! I have even sculpted myself into this attention hog comedian because laughter and applause are "now" responses that give me a rush.
Tonight, sitting here in my den, this all suddenly seems impossible. 20 feet away my son is sleeping. The center of my world. My biggest fan. My coach. The one I was so rotten to today. I need to be a better man for him. It's like it's not just about the food tonight. It's not just about the hundred pounds. I am just ashamed of how I let things control me and it's about changing that.
And I am frightened that my mood will get darker before it gets better. I get this, tingling numbness in my shoulders... not in the heart attack way. Just this chill in them when I lose hope or faith or heart or whatever. It's almost like that disbelieving nightmare tingle that happens in your spine when someone dies. I think it's just my shoulders slumping. I know that sounds stupid and self pitying, but it's true.
I'm not giving up. I can't. I've come too far. I know that, but it's not helping me tonight. I just want today to end. I want to slip into Danny's room, squeeze him, and go to sleep. And that's what I'm going to do. Maybe tomorrow, things will look brighter. My one bright spot today was the walk. In the middle of all this self loathing and self defeating behavior, I forced myself to do my walk. My legs were killing me but it felt SO good to be doing it. I am glad I did.
Sorry to sound so pathetic and weak, but I suppose that's part of this battle. I've never done this before and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking this trip with me. It makes this all easier. Before, I would feel this and ignore it and then fail. Now, putting it into words seems to help.
Tomorrow is another chance to do this all right. To be a better man.
The ox is slow, but the earth is patient.
I just have an addictive personality. No matter what it is, smoking, fast food, gambling, woman, loading songs into my MP3 player, my website, Gag Reflex... if it gives me a modicum of pleasure, I will return time and time again with increasing unhealthiness. It doesn't matter. From the time I was 5 years old my mother told me I had tunnel vision. And she was right. I never saw it until now because, you know, like everybody I thought my mom was full of shit. But she saw it in me. The way I could grab on to something and never let go.
So how do I do this? How do I take this way of living, this way of thinking that I have practiced for over thirty years and turn it into its exact opposite? How do I make myself addicted to the things that take effort, work, struggle, pain and only have an abstract outcome? Eating pizza is so easy. Bumming a smoke is so easy and it's right there! I have even sculpted myself into this attention hog comedian because laughter and applause are "now" responses that give me a rush.
Tonight, sitting here in my den, this all suddenly seems impossible. 20 feet away my son is sleeping. The center of my world. My biggest fan. My coach. The one I was so rotten to today. I need to be a better man for him. It's like it's not just about the food tonight. It's not just about the hundred pounds. I am just ashamed of how I let things control me and it's about changing that.
And I am frightened that my mood will get darker before it gets better. I get this, tingling numbness in my shoulders... not in the heart attack way. Just this chill in them when I lose hope or faith or heart or whatever. It's almost like that disbelieving nightmare tingle that happens in your spine when someone dies. I think it's just my shoulders slumping. I know that sounds stupid and self pitying, but it's true.
I'm not giving up. I can't. I've come too far. I know that, but it's not helping me tonight. I just want today to end. I want to slip into Danny's room, squeeze him, and go to sleep. And that's what I'm going to do. Maybe tomorrow, things will look brighter. My one bright spot today was the walk. In the middle of all this self loathing and self defeating behavior, I forced myself to do my walk. My legs were killing me but it felt SO good to be doing it. I am glad I did.
Sorry to sound so pathetic and weak, but I suppose that's part of this battle. I've never done this before and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking this trip with me. It makes this all easier. Before, I would feel this and ignore it and then fail. Now, putting it into words seems to help.
Tomorrow is another chance to do this all right. To be a better man.
The ox is slow, but the earth is patient.
posted by Eric Peter Schwartz at 9:13 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home