Day 55: Meat, Myself and I
What a freaking week. Working in the college textbook industry, this is our hot season. It's been freaking crazy. A great time for some stress eating which I, thankfully avoided. It's the time when people bring comfort food to work to share and enjoy as stressed customers call us and shove us bodily into the culture of panic. Everybody in an office setting goes through periods like this. So how do you avoid this? Allow me to share my wisdom with you...
Here's a few tips to avoid shared comfort food (that will buy acreage in your ass...)
1. Get that morning cup of steaming joe and take a big, thoughtless swig, incinerating your tastebuds for a few days. A little pain will make those cranium sized cranberry muffins less appealing.
2. Channel all your temptation into the sexual harrassment of that long sought-after co-worker. Remember, it's not stalking... it's stick-to-it-ivness.
3. Assault the offending food sharer with their food and some psychotic screams of "ENABLER! ENABLER!"
4. Spend possible snacking time forging pink slips for jumpy co workers.
5. When the smell of fresh Panera morning goodies wafts through your cubicle, take a big whiff - get up from your desk - walk to the lavatory - lock the door and masturbate until you sprain something.
So you get the idea...
By the way, if you are ever at a barbecue and you are attempting to come up with a witty comeback when somebody keeps pointing out that you're not having a burger or a dog and you keep hovering over the veggie tray... I think I came up with a funny comeback... tell them you are suffering from "meat exhaustion". Sorry, that cracks me up.
And speaking of apologies... why do some people insist on apologizing for enjoying food in front of me? This has been happening since January when I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis. This means I can't eat seeds and nuts. So no tomato slices or cucumbers or almonds... etc. If I rounded a corner and caught a friend eating peanut M&Ms I'd get an apology. It's twice as bad now that I have cut out so much. Like you enjoying a Whopper is going to send me over the edge. The mere sight of a forbidden food will reduce me to a quivering, sobbing child-thing huddled under my desk. Relax. Please! These are my choices (or Doctors orders as the case may be) and I don't expect everyone else to comply. I also don't expect you to have the same spiritual beliefs or really dig Marillion.
So enough of my stand-up... I went to a big family bbq today. I banked my calories because I knew I would indulge a little. And I did, a little. I had a few hamburger patties (no bun because that usually doubles that caloric value), no cheese. Just a little mustard. I also had a couple of deviled eggs, some veggies and a little angel food cake... And those burger patties are still sitting in my stomach 8 hours later. Cripes. You know, meat exhaustion.
I also want to send a shout out to my sis-in-law Margy who is doing great. She's already dropped over 20 lbs I hear and is working to double that by the time we all go to Ireland in November. Rock on! If there are bombs... they are you.
Talk to ya'll soon.
Here's a few tips to avoid shared comfort food (that will buy acreage in your ass...)
1. Get that morning cup of steaming joe and take a big, thoughtless swig, incinerating your tastebuds for a few days. A little pain will make those cranium sized cranberry muffins less appealing.
2. Channel all your temptation into the sexual harrassment of that long sought-after co-worker. Remember, it's not stalking... it's stick-to-it-ivness.
3. Assault the offending food sharer with their food and some psychotic screams of "ENABLER! ENABLER!"
4. Spend possible snacking time forging pink slips for jumpy co workers.
5. When the smell of fresh Panera morning goodies wafts through your cubicle, take a big whiff - get up from your desk - walk to the lavatory - lock the door and masturbate until you sprain something.
So you get the idea...
By the way, if you are ever at a barbecue and you are attempting to come up with a witty comeback when somebody keeps pointing out that you're not having a burger or a dog and you keep hovering over the veggie tray... I think I came up with a funny comeback... tell them you are suffering from "meat exhaustion". Sorry, that cracks me up.
And speaking of apologies... why do some people insist on apologizing for enjoying food in front of me? This has been happening since January when I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis. This means I can't eat seeds and nuts. So no tomato slices or cucumbers or almonds... etc. If I rounded a corner and caught a friend eating peanut M&Ms I'd get an apology. It's twice as bad now that I have cut out so much. Like you enjoying a Whopper is going to send me over the edge. The mere sight of a forbidden food will reduce me to a quivering, sobbing child-thing huddled under my desk. Relax. Please! These are my choices (or Doctors orders as the case may be) and I don't expect everyone else to comply. I also don't expect you to have the same spiritual beliefs or really dig Marillion.
So enough of my stand-up... I went to a big family bbq today. I banked my calories because I knew I would indulge a little. And I did, a little. I had a few hamburger patties (no bun because that usually doubles that caloric value), no cheese. Just a little mustard. I also had a couple of deviled eggs, some veggies and a little angel food cake... And those burger patties are still sitting in my stomach 8 hours later. Cripes. You know, meat exhaustion.
I also want to send a shout out to my sis-in-law Margy who is doing great. She's already dropped over 20 lbs I hear and is working to double that by the time we all go to Ireland in November. Rock on! If there are bombs... they are you.
Talk to ya'll soon.
posted by Eric Peter Schwartz at 8:49 PM
4 Comments:
Somebody who sits about 15 feet away from me was rewarded for something with a big, frosting-laden, Italian Cream cake. I'm glad you won't be running to the bakery (or the vending machines) when I tell you that it was the BEST FUCKING CAKE I HAVE EVER TASTED. It was like an ORGASM with EGGS and FLOUR!!!!!
See? Eric can take it.
Besides, I only cut off a little slice. Okay, I left that and ate the rest of the cake, but still ...
Love your blog, Eric. You're a better (and soon, much more fit) man than I am.
Drrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooooooolll Oh... sweet sweet buttercream frosting. Ooopm - a little "me" time in the bathroom is required.
Interesting blog you have here, I landed here on accident. I like the blog. I was searching for something else and came across your site. I found it pretty interesting and entertaining. I got you book marked.
I will pop back in from time to time to see what you have new here. Feel free to check mine out also bowel fistula irritable rectovaginal syndrome
You will never be able to go to the bathroom again at work. Each time you do, everyone will assume you just "tossed one off."
Well, I would.
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