Thursday, September 22, 2005

Day 88: Excuses, I suppose

I'm a little ashamed of myself. I haven't posted in over 3 weeks. This was part of the whole plan and I let this slide. That being said, the diet itself has not been written off. I am still keeping my daily calorie count low and I it feels like I am still losing weight, though not at the rate I was when I started.

One thing that has sufferend lately is the walking. It's been infrequent or abscent all together. It's an excuse, but true, this is the busiest time of the year at work and by the time I get home, I just want to sit and enjoy some quiet. That and I have a constant, strange popping in my right knee, which I believe is still from that drunken night in Miami. The walking is the #1 thing I need to remotivate on.

I did have a wonderful moment about a week and a half ago. Millie hugged me and her fingers touched in back of me (which, was something I was striving for). That made me very happy and has helped keep me from slipping much in the diet. While I have kept my calorie count low, it's been more through not eating as much and less through eating healthier. I'm still not garbaging up on fast food, but I'm not eating as many veggies as I should.

So that's where this all stands right now. Busy, stressed (don't even ask about the car accident) and ashamed. No matter what, what happens to me and how it affects my eating is down to my decisions. The blogging, I can't promise daily updates. Simply because of the schedule of my days. But I can promise to stay on top of it more than I have the last three weeks.

Thanks everybody for sticking with me. I am neither beaten nor slowing. I still have 100 pounds to lose by July of next year and I plan to keep that appointment.


Monday, August 29, 2005

Day 63: Angst in the Afternoon

Over two months now. I'm sorry it's been a few days since I checked in. Part of the problem is I don't feel like I'm doing anything worth reporting. I'm still eating fairly well, but how is that news worthy. Actually Saturday was another huge family thing that saw me popping a few things in my mouth that I shouldn't. The worst being cigarettes. I'm not eating cigarettes. Here I am on the cusp of my two year anniversary of quitting smoking and I'm smoking a bit... a little more than a bit... not that much... but enough to cause concern.

So this activity has caused a break down in everything. Like I said, I'm still eating healthy and keeping my calories low, I just feel, I guess ashamed is the only word I can think of. How can I possibly be doing an ything good if I'm doing this bad thing again? You know?

Sorry to sound pitiful and sorry for myself. I'm not. I got a lot of nice compliments on how I'm looking and I jsut stood there feeling like a liar. Which I'm not. But I am, just not about that... confused?

Imagine where I am at.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Day 58: Kamikaze Fish

Heyho! Not actually much to report. Still busy in all aspects of my life. The one piece of news I have to report is that I just accidentally swallowed a giant wad of sugar free gum. It was this fruit Trident and I was just chewing it for the taste... mmmmmmmm... and then it leapt down my throat like a Kamikaze fish. I am so sick to my stomach. Errrk.

My big problem right now is motivating myself to work walking back into my routine. My evenings have been nearly filled with Gag Reflex, so my walks with Danny have been sparse. And I can't seem to get up to work out with Simmons. I feel like I have lost steam. I need to find some way to get my ass out of bed in the morning or out of the recliner in the evening. I'm still doing fine with the calorie intake, but I need to get back to the other half and probably increase it. I'm considering a gym.

Talk to you all soon. e

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Day 55: Meat, Myself and I

What a freaking week. Working in the college textbook industry, this is our hot season. It's been freaking crazy. A great time for some stress eating which I, thankfully avoided. It's the time when people bring comfort food to work to share and enjoy as stressed customers call us and shove us bodily into the culture of panic. Everybody in an office setting goes through periods like this. So how do you avoid this? Allow me to share my wisdom with you...

Here's a few tips to avoid shared comfort food (that will buy acreage in your ass...)

1. Get that morning cup of steaming joe and take a big, thoughtless swig, incinerating your tastebuds for a few days. A little pain will make those cranium sized cranberry muffins less appealing.

2. Channel all your temptation into the sexual harrassment of that long sought-after co-worker. Remember, it's not stalking... it's stick-to-it-ivness.

3. Assault the offending food sharer with their food and some psychotic screams of "ENABLER! ENABLER!"

4. Spend possible snacking time forging pink slips for jumpy co workers.

5. When the smell of fresh Panera morning goodies wafts through your cubicle, take a big whiff - get up from your desk - walk to the lavatory - lock the door and masturbate until you sprain something.

So you get the idea...

By the way, if you are ever at a barbecue and you are attempting to come up with a witty comeback when somebody keeps pointing out that you're not having a burger or a dog and you keep hovering over the veggie tray... I think I came up with a funny comeback... tell them you are suffering from "meat exhaustion". Sorry, that cracks me up.

And speaking of apologies... why do some people insist on apologizing for enjoying food in front of me? This has been happening since January when I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis. This means I can't eat seeds and nuts. So no tomato slices or cucumbers or almonds... etc. If I rounded a corner and caught a friend eating peanut M&Ms I'd get an apology. It's twice as bad now that I have cut out so much. Like you enjoying a Whopper is going to send me over the edge. The mere sight of a forbidden food will reduce me to a quivering, sobbing child-thing huddled under my desk. Relax. Please! These are my choices (or Doctors orders as the case may be) and I don't expect everyone else to comply. I also don't expect you to have the same spiritual beliefs or really dig Marillion.

So enough of my stand-up... I went to a big family bbq today. I banked my calories because I knew I would indulge a little. And I did, a little. I had a few hamburger patties (no bun because that usually doubles that caloric value), no cheese. Just a little mustard. I also had a couple of deviled eggs, some veggies and a little angel food cake... And those burger patties are still sitting in my stomach 8 hours later. Cripes. You know, meat exhaustion.

I also want to send a shout out to my sis-in-law Margy who is doing great. She's already dropped over 20 lbs I hear and is working to double that by the time we all go to Ireland in November. Rock on! If there are bombs... they are you.

Talk to ya'll soon.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Day 51: Manifestations

Okay, so I tried it... With a little effort I tugged one more belt notch. Not comfortable enough to walk around with it that tight, but I did it. Then I noticed that once I get to that point comfortably, that's the last notch on my belt. I will need to make my first weightloss wardrobe purchase...

Or I will punch another hole. That's probably what I will do, being the kind of person I am. Only replace the shoes when they fall apart. only buy a new sirt if the damage is irrepairable. The other thing that happened is that I put on my Cubs shirt from the sweet 2003 season. It was always a little tighter than the others. It fell loose around me.

It's actually happening. Physical manifestations abound. Where will I be in October? For Thanksgiving? For that January sales meeting in Arizona? First stop, a new suit. Something a little lighter. The suit I have now was bought for a conference in California in 2000 and it's dark, dark blue... executive cut (that's what they say when you're fat but have the money to buy a euphemism). Something tan. Maybe a lighter colored sport jacket. I have always liked tan and red or beige and red. Or maybe off-white with a red tie.

I have decided that for the January meeting me and Millie and Danny are going to drive to Phoenix. I am going to take a couple of days to drive through New Mexico again. I am really excited. It will be 10 years since I was there and maybe I can revisit some of the places I was last time. Just for a little while on the way to and from the meeting. Maybe New Year's Eve on the road. Who knows?

All I know is, I'm going to be thinner. Nearly half way to my goal. Perhaps not instantly recognizable... probably too much to hope for. Maybe my face will thin out enough that I can ditch the beard and not look like one of the Campbell's Fucking Soup Kids. It's all in my hands.

Good night y'all.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Day 49: Eyes on the Prize

My eyes are on the prize... you want to see it? This is a picture of me in July of 1996 outside the NASA space museum in Alamagordo, New Mexico. My weight was down from living on my own for the first time, lots of theater, loss of appetite after a bade break up... I looked great. No really, it's the best I have ever looked. Of course, the minute I got happy a ballooned again. But here it is... and I make no apologies for the fun hat...

Today was a good day. I worked out this morning. Made fairly decent choices about what I ate, even though there was a box of Krispy Kremes staring me in the face all day. I have discovered the wonder of No Sugar Added Swiss Miss... yay!!! 50 calories, chocolatey and perfect when the midafternoon munchies hit. AND I walked this evening with Danny. Millie bought a pedometer so I know exactly how far I went. 1.3 miles.

So... about yesterday. Sorry. I guess. I want to be honest in this blog and that's exactly what I was feeling. I know it sounded self pitying and weak, and truthfully, I have to accept that. To force my body back to something it was 9 years ago, it really is a struggle. And I need to ride out the waves as well as the still waters. If I don't, I will fail.

I don't want to fail. I have no intention of failing. I want people at the January meeting in Arizona to not recognize me. I want to stop being embarrassed to get on stage and do what I love. I... ah shit... I've been over this. What I really want is for women to long for me when I'm washing the car... or you know, carrying orphans from a fire or... bailing hay or fixing a tire... Let's be honest shall we.

It won't happen, but it's fun to dream. Until my wife slaps me in the head because I have that goofy grin on my sleeping face. I hate when she does that.

Eyes on the prize...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Day 48: Cold Shoulders

Today was a self destructive day for me. Just a day filled with bad decisions about food. I was rotten to myself and I was rotten to my boy. If Millie hadn't worked last night and slept all day I'm sure I would have been rotten to her too. In interesting wrinkle has entered the mix, my smoking. After nearly two years I had one a few months ago... didn't have another - I'm okay (right) to smoke on occasion. Had a few in Florida when I was drinking. Still okay. In fact, they made me kind of sick to my stomach. Last two nights, show stress... bummed one, bummed another...

I just have an addictive personality. No matter what it is, smoking, fast food, gambling, woman, loading songs into my MP3 player, my website, Gag Reflex... if it gives me a modicum of pleasure, I will return time and time again with increasing unhealthiness. It doesn't matter. From the time I was 5 years old my mother told me I had tunnel vision. And she was right. I never saw it until now because, you know, like everybody I thought my mom was full of shit. But she saw it in me. The way I could grab on to something and never let go.

So how do I do this? How do I take this way of living, this way of thinking that I have practiced for over thirty years and turn it into its exact opposite? How do I make myself addicted to the things that take effort, work, struggle, pain and only have an abstract outcome? Eating pizza is so easy. Bumming a smoke is so easy and it's right there! I have even sculpted myself into this attention hog comedian because laughter and applause are "now" responses that give me a rush.

Tonight, sitting here in my den, this all suddenly seems impossible. 20 feet away my son is sleeping. The center of my world. My biggest fan. My coach. The one I was so rotten to today. I need to be a better man for him. It's like it's not just about the food tonight. It's not just about the hundred pounds. I am just ashamed of how I let things control me and it's about changing that.

And I am frightened that my mood will get darker before it gets better. I get this, tingling numbness in my shoulders... not in the heart attack way. Just this chill in them when I lose hope or faith or heart or whatever. It's almost like that disbelieving nightmare tingle that happens in your spine when someone dies. I think it's just my shoulders slumping. I know that sounds stupid and self pitying, but it's true.

I'm not giving up. I can't. I've come too far. I know that, but it's not helping me tonight. I just want today to end. I want to slip into Danny's room, squeeze him, and go to sleep. And that's what I'm going to do. Maybe tomorrow, things will look brighter. My one bright spot today was the walk. In the middle of all this self loathing and self defeating behavior, I forced myself to do my walk. My legs were killing me but it felt SO good to be doing it. I am glad I did.

Sorry to sound so pathetic and weak, but I suppose that's part of this battle. I've never done this before and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking this trip with me. It makes this all easier. Before, I would feel this and ignore it and then fail. Now, putting it into words seems to help.

Tomorrow is another chance to do this all right. To be a better man.

The ox is slow, but the earth is patient.