The Lard's Prayer

Hi. Thanks for stopping by. This is a picture taken a few months ago during a charity show at The Woodstock Opera House in Woodstock, IL. For those of you who don't know me, I am a writer and performer with the comedy group Gag Reflex. As of right now I am clocking in at roughly 350 lbs. I say roughly because the average house hold scale doesn't go over 300. At least none that I have seen.

Before you roll your eyes and mutter something unpleasant, I am not here to piss and moan about my weight. Though there may be some pissing and moaning from time to time, that's not the point of this blog. This blog is an attempt to do something about my weight. Even though I have put nearly my whole life out for public view on stage, online, in music etc --- my battle with my weight is something that I keep to myself and amongst my friends. Well, I think I keep it to myself... the fact that I am losing this war is out there for the whole world to see.

So why now? It's not that I haven't fought this in the past. I did Jenny Craig for a year back in the early 90's. I went Ovolacto about 5 years ago and lost a bunch of weight. But I always seem to fall back on my bad habits. I am taking this particular approach because I haven't before. Now, I will be held accountable by an audience. Not just those who love me, but complete strangers that hopefully will stop by and comment.

I also want to say up front here; I have no one to blame but myself. I have spent the last 3 decades creating terrible eating habits. While I do suffer from a thyroid condition called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis , I was large long before that manifested itself. I have been a little lax in using my meds, a pill called Livoxyl, so my doctor hasn't yet found the right dosage. Mostly the thyroid makes it twice as hard to lose the weight. The real battle is fighting these habits and urges that I have created. I know it can be done. I've done it, but how do I keep it going forward. I need to completely reboot my eating habits. Start over. I don't have a plan. At least not a whole one. The first thing to go has GOT to be fast food. I need to stop convincing myself that somehow a Chicken Whopper is okay. Or a chicken burrito supreme. None of it's okay for me. I'm just not built for it.

As time goes on you will see some of the strange tricks an addicted mind can play. I plan to chronicle all of it like Dr. Jeckyll. I know the tricks. I successfully quit smoking about a year and a half ago. In that time I have had only 1 cigarette... that down from 2 packs a day. I know I can do this. I just need to turn it into an entertainment avenue to keep it going.

So here are my reasons. These are the things that I have listed to myself as reasons to not quit.
1. I don't want to die. (Fairly straight forward)
2. I don't want to lose my legs because that would make me want to die (see above)
3. I'm tired of disappointing my son. He wants to play chase and I want to sit. I hear "Cats In The Cradle" everytime.
4. My wife really, truly believes that I will be dead by the time our son is 18. She's probably right, the way I'm going. I just want to prove her wrong.
5. I don't want my parents to die thinking that this beat me.

So here I begin. If this interests you, by all means check back in to see how I am doing. If not, you can go away, no harm no foul. For me, this all begins anew tomorrow morning. I know, I know. But I've already fucked up today. So, when my son and wife get up from their naps, I'm going to order pizza and make it my last hurrah.

I think I just heard a collective "yeah right" echo in cyber space.

Okay then, I accept your challenge. Either that or one of the voices in my head just got really loud.

EDIT: (LATER) I had a small Lo Mein instead. Happy?