ADIPOSE REX

Day 88: Excuses, I suppose

2005-09-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm a little ashamed of myself. I haven't posted in over 3 weeks. This was part of the whole plan and I let this slide. That being said, the diet itself has not been written off. I am still keeping my daily calorie count low and I it feels like I am still losing weight, though not at the rate I was when I started.

One thing that has sufferend lately is the walking. It's been infrequent or abscent all together. It's an excuse, but true, this is the busiest time of the year at work and by the time I get home, I just want to sit and enjoy some quiet. That and I have a constant, strange popping in my right knee, which I believe is still from that drunken night in Miami. The walking is the #1 thing I need to remotivate on.

I did have a wonderful moment about a week and a half ago. Millie hugged me and her fingers touched in back of me (which, was something I was striving for). That made me very happy and has helped keep me from slipping much in the diet. While I have kept my calorie count low, it's been more through not eating as much and less through eating healthier. I'm still not garbaging up on fast food, but I'm not eating as many veggies as I should.

So that's where this all stands right now. Busy, stressed (don't even ask about the car accident) and ashamed. No matter what, what happens to me and how it affects my eating is down to my decisions. The blogging, I can't promise daily updates. Simply because of the schedule of my days. But I can promise to stay on top of it more than I have the last three weeks.

Thanks everybody for sticking with me. I am neither beaten nor slowing. I still have 100 pounds to lose by July of next year and I plan to keep that appointment.

e

Day 63: Angst in the Afternoon

2005-08-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

Over two months now. I'm sorry it's been a few days since I checked in. Part of the problem is I don't feel like I'm doing anything worth reporting. I'm still eating fairly well, but how is that news worthy. Actually Saturday was another huge family thing that saw me popping a few things in my mouth that I shouldn't. The worst being cigarettes. I'm not eating cigarettes. Here I am on the cusp of my two year anniversary of quitting smoking and I'm smoking a bit... a little more than a bit... not that much... but enough to cause concern.

So this activity has caused a break down in everything. Like I said, I'm still eating healthy and keeping my calories low, I just feel, I guess ashamed is the only word I can think of. How can I possibly be doing an ything good if I'm doing this bad thing again? You know?

Sorry to sound pitiful and sorry for myself. I'm not. I got a lot of nice compliments on how I'm looking and I jsut stood there feeling like a liar. Which I'm not. But I am, just not about that... confused?

Imagine where I am at.

Day 58: Kamikaze Fish

2005-08-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Heyho! Not actually much to report. Still busy in all aspects of my life. The one piece of news I have to report is that I just accidentally swallowed a giant wad of sugar free gum. It was this fruit Trident and I was just chewing it for the taste... mmmmmmmm... and then it leapt down my throat like a Kamikaze fish. I am so sick to my stomach. Errrk.

My big problem right now is motivating myself to work walking back into my routine. My evenings have been nearly filled with Gag Reflex, so my walks with Danny have been sparse. And I can't seem to get up to work out with Simmons. I feel like I have lost steam. I need to find some way to get my ass out of bed in the morning or out of the recliner in the evening. I'm still doing fine with the calorie intake, but I need to get back to the other half and probably increase it. I'm considering a gym.

Talk to you all soon. e

Day 55: Meat, Myself and I

2005-08-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

What a freaking week. Working in the college textbook industry, this is our hot season. It's been freaking crazy. A great time for some stress eating which I, thankfully avoided. It's the time when people bring comfort food to work to share and enjoy as stressed customers call us and shove us bodily into the culture of panic. Everybody in an office setting goes through periods like this. So how do you avoid this? Allow me to share my wisdom with you...

Here's a few tips to avoid shared comfort food (that will buy acreage in your ass...)

1. Get that morning cup of steaming joe and take a big, thoughtless swig, incinerating your tastebuds for a few days. A little pain will make those cranium sized cranberry muffins less appealing.

2. Channel all your temptation into the sexual harrassment of that long sought-after co-worker. Remember, it's not stalking... it's stick-to-it-ivness.

3. Assault the offending food sharer with their food and some psychotic screams of "ENABLER! ENABLER!"

4. Spend possible snacking time forging pink slips for jumpy co workers.

5. When the smell of fresh Panera morning goodies wafts through your cubicle, take a big whiff - get up from your desk - walk to the lavatory - lock the door and masturbate until you sprain something.

So you get the idea...

By the way, if you are ever at a barbecue and you are attempting to come up with a witty comeback when somebody keeps pointing out that you're not having a burger or a dog and you keep hovering over the veggie tray... I think I came up with a funny comeback... tell them you are suffering from "meat exhaustion". Sorry, that cracks me up.

And speaking of apologies... why do some people insist on apologizing for enjoying food in front of me? This has been happening since January when I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis. This means I can't eat seeds and nuts. So no tomato slices or cucumbers or almonds... etc. If I rounded a corner and caught a friend eating peanut M&Ms I'd get an apology. It's twice as bad now that I have cut out so much. Like you enjoying a Whopper is going to send me over the edge. The mere sight of a forbidden food will reduce me to a quivering, sobbing child-thing huddled under my desk. Relax. Please! These are my choices (or Doctors orders as the case may be) and I don't expect everyone else to comply. I also don't expect you to have the same spiritual beliefs or really dig Marillion.

So enough of my stand-up... I went to a big family bbq today. I banked my calories because I knew I would indulge a little. And I did, a little. I had a few hamburger patties (no bun because that usually doubles that caloric value), no cheese. Just a little mustard. I also had a couple of deviled eggs, some veggies and a little angel food cake... And those burger patties are still sitting in my stomach 8 hours later. Cripes. You know, meat exhaustion.

I also want to send a shout out to my sis-in-law Margy who is doing great. She's already dropped over 20 lbs I hear and is working to double that by the time we all go to Ireland in November. Rock on! If there are bombs... they are you.

Talk to ya'll soon.

Day 51: Manifestations

2005-08-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I tried it... With a little effort I tugged one more belt notch. Not comfortable enough to walk around with it that tight, but I did it. Then I noticed that once I get to that point comfortably, that's the last notch on my belt. I will need to make my first weightloss wardrobe purchase...

Or I will punch another hole. That's probably what I will do, being the kind of person I am. Only replace the shoes when they fall apart. only buy a new sirt if the damage is irrepairable. The other thing that happened is that I put on my Cubs shirt from the sweet 2003 season. It was always a little tighter than the others. It fell loose around me.

It's actually happening. Physical manifestations abound. Where will I be in October? For Thanksgiving? For that January sales meeting in Arizona? First stop, a new suit. Something a little lighter. The suit I have now was bought for a conference in California in 2000 and it's dark, dark blue... executive cut (that's what they say when you're fat but have the money to buy a euphemism). Something tan. Maybe a lighter colored sport jacket. I have always liked tan and red or beige and red. Or maybe off-white with a red tie.

I have decided that for the January meeting me and Millie and Danny are going to drive to Phoenix. I am going to take a couple of days to drive through New Mexico again. I am really excited. It will be 10 years since I was there and maybe I can revisit some of the places I was last time. Just for a little while on the way to and from the meeting. Maybe New Year's Eve on the road. Who knows?

All I know is, I'm going to be thinner. Nearly half way to my goal. Perhaps not instantly recognizable... probably too much to hope for. Maybe my face will thin out enough that I can ditch the beard and not look like one of the Campbell's Fucking Soup Kids. It's all in my hands.

Good night y'all.

Day 49: Eyes on the Prize

2005-08-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

My eyes are on the prize... you want to see it? This is a picture of me in July of 1996 outside the NASA space museum in Alamagordo, New Mexico. My weight was down from living on my own for the first time, lots of theater, loss of appetite after a bade break up... I looked great. No really, it's the best I have ever looked. Of course, the minute I got happy a ballooned again. But here it is... and I make no apologies for the fun hat...

Today was a good day. I worked out this morning. Made fairly decent choices about what I ate, even though there was a box of Krispy Kremes staring me in the face all day. I have discovered the wonder of No Sugar Added Swiss Miss... yay!!! 50 calories, chocolatey and perfect when the midafternoon munchies hit. AND I walked this evening with Danny. Millie bought a pedometer so I know exactly how far I went. 1.3 miles.

So... about yesterday. Sorry. I guess. I want to be honest in this blog and that's exactly what I was feeling. I know it sounded self pitying and weak, and truthfully, I have to accept that. To force my body back to something it was 9 years ago, it really is a struggle. And I need to ride out the waves as well as the still waters. If I don't, I will fail.

I don't want to fail. I have no intention of failing. I want people at the January meeting in Arizona to not recognize me. I want to stop being embarrassed to get on stage and do what I love. I... ah shit... I've been over this. What I really want is for women to long for me when I'm washing the car... or you know, carrying orphans from a fire or... bailing hay or fixing a tire... Let's be honest shall we.

It won't happen, but it's fun to dream. Until my wife slaps me in the head because I have that goofy grin on my sleeping face. I hate when she does that.

Eyes on the prize...

Day 48: Cold Shoulders

2005-08-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today was a self destructive day for me. Just a day filled with bad decisions about food. I was rotten to myself and I was rotten to my boy. If Millie hadn't worked last night and slept all day I'm sure I would have been rotten to her too. In interesting wrinkle has entered the mix, my smoking. After nearly two years I had one a few months ago... didn't have another - I'm okay (right) to smoke on occasion. Had a few in Florida when I was drinking. Still okay. In fact, they made me kind of sick to my stomach. Last two nights, show stress... bummed one, bummed another...

I just have an addictive personality. No matter what it is, smoking, fast food, gambling, woman, loading songs into my MP3 player, my website, Gag Reflex... if it gives me a modicum of pleasure, I will return time and time again with increasing unhealthiness. It doesn't matter. From the time I was 5 years old my mother told me I had tunnel vision. And she was right. I never saw it until now because, you know, like everybody I thought my mom was full of shit. But she saw it in me. The way I could grab on to something and never let go.

So how do I do this? How do I take this way of living, this way of thinking that I have practiced for over thirty years and turn it into its exact opposite? How do I make myself addicted to the things that take effort, work, struggle, pain and only have an abstract outcome? Eating pizza is so easy. Bumming a smoke is so easy and it's right there! I have even sculpted myself into this attention hog comedian because laughter and applause are "now" responses that give me a rush.

Tonight, sitting here in my den, this all suddenly seems impossible. 20 feet away my son is sleeping. The center of my world. My biggest fan. My coach. The one I was so rotten to today. I need to be a better man for him. It's like it's not just about the food tonight. It's not just about the hundred pounds. I am just ashamed of how I let things control me and it's about changing that.

And I am frightened that my mood will get darker before it gets better. I get this, tingling numbness in my shoulders... not in the heart attack way. Just this chill in them when I lose hope or faith or heart or whatever. It's almost like that disbelieving nightmare tingle that happens in your spine when someone dies. I think it's just my shoulders slumping. I know that sounds stupid and self pitying, but it's true.

I'm not giving up. I can't. I've come too far. I know that, but it's not helping me tonight. I just want today to end. I want to slip into Danny's room, squeeze him, and go to sleep. And that's what I'm going to do. Maybe tomorrow, things will look brighter. My one bright spot today was the walk. In the middle of all this self loathing and self defeating behavior, I forced myself to do my walk. My legs were killing me but it felt SO good to be doing it. I am glad I did.

Sorry to sound so pathetic and weak, but I suppose that's part of this battle. I've never done this before and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking this trip with me. It makes this all easier. Before, I would feel this and ignore it and then fail. Now, putting it into words seems to help.

Tomorrow is another chance to do this all right. To be a better man.

The ox is slow, but the earth is patient.

Day 47: Houseflies

2005-08-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been been incommunicado the last few days. We have been preparing open the new Gag Reflex show DESPERATE HOUSEFLIES. This period is really a test for me, not so much the eating, but the blogging. This blog is supposed to be the center point of this diet. It keeps me focused and it keeps me honest. And to be honest, I have lost my focus with it and for that I am sorry.

The eating is going fine. Probably not as many vegetables as I should, mostly because I need to take a trip to the grocery store. I am still having trouble believing that it's been over a month and a half since I have had any fast food. I take that back, on a particular night before rehearsal Millie wanted Burger King. I had one of their Morning Star veggie burgers, which was slightly defeated by the mayo they put on it. I scraped off what I could. Later when I loaded it into FitDay.com it wasn't too bad calorie wise. So that's an option if stopping and having Burger King is a must for somebody else.

That's one of my big things. I don't want anybody to change their habits because I need to change mine. I hate when people try to do that. I've quit drinking so you should quit drinking. People keep apologizing for discussing food or eating food. fo Christsake. It's like they think I'm Sylvester in that cartoon where he gives up birds and then kisses Tweety, tastes him, kisses him again and again and then turns into a snarling birdivore again. I won't freak out and kill you for your McChicken, I swear.

I WILL talk to you all tomorrow!

Day 44: Numbers

2005-08-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

So I am now officially at 3 belt holes without really forcing it. I also got word from my doctor. My thryroid tested normal, so my meds are finally regulated. I also heard all my other numbers - cholesterol (in the 80s) and so forth - and I am well below any area of concern. Those numbers were never really a problem, but it's nice to hear all the same.

So now it's just down to me and my habits. And with 3 belt holes in 44 days... I'm off to a good start.

It's going to be a good day. Thanks again to all of you - you are such a big part of my success.

Day 42: "So Sushi - Sushi - Shoot Bullets..uh ...Mooshi..."

2005-08-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm Last night as my boy filled his face with hot dogs I enjoyed a nice big plate of sushi. For some reason I have fallen in love with those little things. And they aren't bad on the diet. And, strangely, after my pondering on grazing two days ago, I didn't graze yesterday.

One thing that I have let slip recently is water. I haven't been drinking as much water. So I am back on the water horse today. And my knees are constantly bouncing because I have to pee.

Right back.

Okay, I'm back. Anyway. Danny and I took a long walk yesterday and wound up sacking on organic dried fruit for lunch. Nummy. It was a good day. I am currently waiting to hear...

Hold on. Right back.

... from my doctor about my thyroid meds. I'm anxious to get started on the next level. This part of my new mission. The other thing I am going to do before long is look into getting a sleep study done. I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea which I have heard can cause weight gain also.

So, basically, I am getting detailed like a car. ONce my behavior is completely modified, my thyroid is being rgulated with meds and I am getting restful sleep... maybe then I can finally...

Ooop hold on.

... what was I saying?

Day 40: Grazing Into The Abyss

2005-08-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

40 Days is such a nice round number. Here are some things you can do in 40 days: Kick start a life style change (diet) OR flood the world - whatever. Either way, day 40 is here and I need to boil eggs.

I'm trying to figure out how to do this within the context of grazing. It's the hardest part of all of this to kick. I can kick fast food. I can kick late night snacking. But grazing seems to be the hardest part for me to kick. I would much rather come home from work and graze dinner than actually sit and have a meal. I've been working on it and I think it's about variety. The same reason that I love buffets, smorgasbords and tapas. I like a little bit of lots of things. I also think that's where a lot of my problems come from. Because I like a lot of variety, that's why my fast food orders always included multiple entrees, because you can't really graze at a drive-thru.

So variety is the spice of my life. So how do I make that work inside the confines of this dietary change (I'm still avoiding the word diet at all costs)? Do I fight my self and try to squash the culinary wanderlust? Or do I alter the way I graze and the things I graze? Neither is easy. They both take a conditioning of the will. And many people seem to think that keeping the digestive fires going all day helps, so eat many small meals. It 'tis a puzzlement. Which do I do.

As I sit hear writing this I'm thinking I will opt for #2 and accept the eating style but change the food (which is pretty much what I've been doing with some success). But I am also wondering if I am rationalizing. Will my conscience (you know, Vi) start kicking me and telling me I'm lying to myself. So, in the end and in the immediate I need to boil eggs. Probably the most successful week I've had was the week where I had all these salads premade. So I'm going to go make some salads and have some eggs on hand, so when I open the fridge to graze... better stuff is grazing back at me.

danny

Sorry, Danny begged to come in and type his name. He did. Swear to God. I'm so proud.

'night.

Day 39: "Is it about the hedge?"

2005-08-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

Back in the swing with the food today. Had to fast this morning because I got my blood drawn for my Thyroid test. They should be upping my meds in the next few days. Maybe this time is the charm and my thyroid will kick in and help the fight.

Tomorrow my leg should be well enough that I can get back to my walking regime. And dare I say, perhaps the bike? I'm a little concerned about the bike. My mass teetering on the top of a bike is just asking for trouble. We'll see. I want to ride it, I'm just worried. It's only fair to Danny to give it a shot.

Took the fam out for dinner tonight. I forgot how much I hate canned salmon. I ordered the "shockeye" salmon low cal plate, everything was good but the salmon. I started having visions of Monty Python's Meaning of Life ... "How could we all have died at the same time." "the salmon Mmmmmmmmmmmooooooousse" "Dahling, you didn't use canned salmon did you?" "I'm most dreadfully embarrassed."

Well, if the Grim Reaper appears in my den, I'll know why.

Day 37: Standing In The Middle Of A Long Desert Road Looking At A Map

2005-08-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

Again with the motivation. I managed the third belt hole, the one I cal #4. It was a bit of a stretch, but I did it. It promptly went back to hole 3 after lunch. Back somewhat into the routine. I'm having a hard time getting a handle on where I am with this. Miami seems to have thrown me a bit. It loosened the nuts on my resolve somewhat. Since I had my Cuban night and didn't lose any noticable ground, I am fighting my mind which is now working to convince me that slippage is fine.

I need to think about that January sales meeting. I need to think about that next belt hole. I need to get in for my blood test and up my thyroid medication. I need to know the next step. It's like Miami was a milestone. It was the first chunk of the year. It was a dividing point. Now I need to find which way the next goal is. I need to do something different in the way of exercise I think. My knee is still bothering me, so I haven't done much in the last two days. But still, I need to grab something and move with it. I wish I still had my drum kit. More than that, I wish I was still playing drums in JACK. That was a friggin workout. Best shape I was ever in was a direct result of Jack drumming and of course the "break up" in 96, which some readers may be familiar with and others don't really want to know.

So, where to go next... hmmmm....

Day 36: Back In The Saddle Again

2005-08-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

I am home and recovering! HA! This past week was interesting from the diet stand point. One thing about corporate America, they shove food in your face at every turn. I am proud to say that while I was not able to blog or do FitDay at a constant level, no real ground was lost in the battle... but there were a couple of minor skirmishes that I surrendered to. :)

First of all I really want to thank my friends who were down there with me and gave me constant words of encouragement. Mad Dog, Pam, Greg, Ros, Lori and Deanna; thank you thank you thank you. Really. I can't tell you, even if you are just saying it to be nice, how much it means to me. They made sure to tell me how good I was doing and that they were proud of me and that I was looking good. Sappy? Yep, sure am. But that's a great support system when you are are away from home.

And I managed to get exercise even when I didn't expect to. Midnight, drunken stolls up the strip at 3am burn just as manyu calories as the ones where I don shorts and my headphones. I did that too, but the other was a little more fun. I also managed to get in a little Richard Simmons, which I burned onto a CD for ease of travel. However, the transfer to DVD was strange and the sound was out of sink. HAHAHAHA So I had to stop watching and just listen too him. My rhythm is off already, I didn't need any help from him. HA!

Now for the confessional portion. There was a night of absolute culinary debauchery that I would do again in a heartbeat. My good friend Ben Rivera took me and Mad Dog Rybak to a Cuban place on Lincoln called YUCA... holy shit! I ate like I haven't in ages. Pork tenderloin, empanadas, beans, rice... It was awesome and felt like someone parked a Hummer in my gut. Luckily I prepared. I knew that I was going out that night, and I didn't know where, so I had fruit for breakfast and nothing for the rest of the day. I'm fairly sure I went WAY over my calorie limit, but because I prepared, it wasn't as far over.

There was also a quick, sweaty, drunken burger... but that was the alcohol eating. Like they always say "What Happens In Miami, Goes Straight To Your Ass".

So I am back and back into the routine. Walking and exercising will be a little rough because I f-ed up my knee dancing. Yes, I was dancing. Like I said, I got exercise. However, that's the only exercise I can think of where I need to get pretty liquored up first. But I messed it up and then want out strolling around town. The pain is all worth it, because I had a great time. It does, however, mean, that I will need to find another way to get some exercise in for a few days.

Oh and Millie bought a mountain bike while I was away. I haven't been on a bike it over ten years. I'm a little worried. :)

Love ya all!
e

Day 33: South BBBeeeeaaaaccchhhh BBBeeeeooottch!!

2005-07-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. Not as much blogging time as I thought I would have. In fact I have been attempting to get back in here to load my food into Fitday but even that has been a challenge. Part is the slow connection through the hotel. The other half is just a lack of time.

They have compressed the meeting this time so there's way more scheduled time than normal. Any way, things are going well. I have over indulged a little, to be honest, but on things like bread and sushi. I keep rationalizing that at least it's not burgers or pizza.

Was out strolling around South Beach last night, looking good in my suit. It's odd to go out and not be embarrassed by how I look. I know most of it is mental because I don't look a whole lot different than I did two months ago. It just felt good. I looked like a freaking mobster, dark suit with a black T-shirt. Also spent a little time in the Mango Club which is one of the top bars here. But I wound up getting my mile walk in... in a suit, slightly buzzed and sweating pretty good.

One nice thought is that it will be six months until I see most of these people again. How different will I look then? It has me excited. I will be half way to my initial goal and the change should be prety noticable.

Sweeeeeeet. That thought should keep a few rolls out of my mouth.

Talk to ya all when I can.
e

Day 31: Miami Viceless

2005-07-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Greetings from the Lowes hotel in beautiful Miami Beach. A bottle of Perrier and a blog ahead of me. Great place to eat if you ever come down here, a little place called Joe Allen. The have great meatloaf which I had a few bites of but they have some great salads. I went for the smoked trout with chick peas, red peppers and mixed greens. My only complaint was the lemon dressing which was a little strong. Good salad.

It's amazing the food they put in front of you when you're travelling. I used to grab some breakfast at McDonald's. Today, because I didn't want to start the week off bad I went for a veggie burrito. Literally veggies on a veggie tortilla and nothing else. So apart from a few indulgent bits of my buddy Greg's meatloaf and a drink in a few minutes, I'm off to a good start.

Talk to you tomorrow.
e

Day 30: Leaving On A Jet Plane

2005-07-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

All my bags are packed , I'm ready to go - I'm... okay, well, I'm blogging so that's where my similarities with John Denver's opus ends. I am also burning my Richard Simmons onto DVD so I can take it with me to Miami. I have my new shoes, a mix on the mp3 player just for walking in Miami and my Richard DVD... I am set.

I am hoping that taking this trip at this juncture will shake me out of my current rut. I am still maintaining with the eating, but I have noticed the edges blurring a little, if that makes sense. A month in and some of the excitement is gone. It's not that I'm giving up, just accepting some things as... acceptable. I'm going to take the next 6 days to shake that off. I won't have access to my kitchen and I can actively avoid bad culinary choices.

Literally, between all the sessions there is food as well as 3 squares a day (usually paid for). Luckily 75% of the people who work in my division are women, so healthier snacks and choices are available. I don't mean to make that sound stereotypical but let's face it. If this was mostly men there would be stainless steel vats of hot wings.

So I will blog when I can. Think about me this week as I face head on the alcohol and pastry trappings of a corporate sales meeting.

And thank God for Richard Simmons. Seriously. Just a good man. And John Denver for that matter. Another good man.

Wow... I think this installment seems to ooze comfort with my softer side. Maybe I'll take in a drag show in South Beach...

We are family...

Day 29: These Shoes Were Made for Walkin'...you can tell

2005-07-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Hey ho all.

It's funny. I keep thinking I'm cheating, but Fit Day tells me different. It's strange what I think is a treat now. Fat Free cottage cheese or a taste of peanut butter used to be a joke. A treat used to be a large peanut butter/chocolate malt with white chacolate shavings in it from Cold Stone. No longer. I get so excited over hummus it should be a crime. Maybe I'm forcing it, but I need to.

I have fallen in love with that Chopped salad I had the other night. I got so hungry for it at lunch today, I had another one. The actual ingredients don't seem to add up to a whole lot. Truth be told, I had the same thing from a another place for dinner tonight. I'm crazy with the chopped salad. I need to watch the salads I get from places. I haven't seen Super Size Me, but I have heard.

I bought shoes. This is a big deal. I bought actual walking shoes today, in prep for Miami. This time Wed I will be there and I want to do some walking, but not in the slip on loafers that I am always wearing. These have something they call ... "arch support" and are contoured for walking... it's amazing.

I'm still hoping to do the walk over to the park tomorrow for the concert with Danny, but I will also need to pack. We'll see what happens. I really think he'll like it.

Any way, see you tomorrow. Holy shit... one month. Sweet. One down and 11 to go until this phase is over.

:)e

Day 28: Backyards, Bagels and Bandshells

2005-07-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry about yesterday. I know some people have been checking in everyday for their daily motivation or what not. Yesterday was a little crazy. Yard work, family, and Playstation 2's God of War... sorry. I also has a terrible case of indigestions yesterday. It lasted all night and I had trouble sleeping on it. It think it was the bits I had of Danny's ice cream. I had been good all day, though I think the Portillo's salad I had when everybody went out to eat, probably had too much shit in it. It's all fresh made in front of you but there was pasta in it and house dressing and stuff. No matter what it's better than the Italian beef/sausage combo with cheese,hot dog and fries I used to get there. And it was GREAT! It's one of the tastiest salads I've ever had. Which tipped me off that it probably wasn't too good for me. Later when I access the ingredients online and loaded it into Fitday, it wasn't bad, but it a "prepare for" meal. One that you skip some other stuff during the day to eat.

Now, about that ice cream... I have finally discovered why my mother never made herself a plate of food. If you actually order something, you will eat it all. I have been discovering that if I take some bites here and there off of Danny's treats, I can enjoy the taste and not be compelled to eat a whole one. Again with the moderation. The problem is training myself to keep it to one or two bites. Usually Danny getting mad at me (as I did long ago with my Mother) keeps me honest.

Today is a guys day. Lots of sitting around playing video games with the D-Man. We will be going for our walk later, but it's 105 outside. We did go to Chesapeake Bagels for lunch. Danny wolfed down a PB&J Bagel and I had something called a Hummus Deluxe which they claimed had 525 calories. It was good. I loaded the individual ingredients in and it came to about 499 so, who's arguing.

Just a few more days until Miami. Tomorrow night Danny and I are going grocery shopping so that the fam has food while I'm gone. HAHAHHAHA and then Tuesday night he and I are going to walk over to the Park bandshell (barring rain) for the Tuesday night concert (classical) Then he and I will walk home in the dark. It'll be an adventure. And almost 3 miles worth of walking.

For all of you who are doing this with me. Thanks and keep up the good work!

Day 26: I Have Seen and I Believe

2005-07-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

Picture #4 tonight. It's there. Plain as day in front of my face. Photographic evidence that what I am doing is working. The front butt is collapsing upward. Perhaps someday you lucky people might see these pictures... but not now. Not everything is for sharing.

Indulged a little tonight with Danny. He and I were hanging out, the two guys, playing video games. He's been walking with me and getting up to Simmonds with me, I thought that tonight I wouldn't force him to hear about how many calories I'm eating. He's only 4 for godsake. Lots of activity planned for tomorrow, especially after tonight's picture... I want to kick it up a notch.

Week 5 is coming soon... and Miami... travel is hell on a diet.

Day 25: Night

2005-07-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

Better late than never I suppose.

Real busy of late with work, life and Gag. I have reached a breaking point with salads. I'm sick of them. Because I can't eat tomatoes or cucumbers, it's lettuce, spinach and maybe a bell pepper. I need to mix it up a bit... somehow... without resorting to 10 million calorie salad dressings.

Had pizza last night. Ordered one for the family... (which is good because we used to be a 2 pizza house) and I had 2 small pieces. Not bad. I didn't crack 1200 cals yesterday. Hmmmm this moderation thing could prove to be interesting.

More tomorrow. Nighty night!
e

Day 24: Bad Blogmaster! Bad Blogmaster!

2005-07-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

Sorry. Yesterday was unusually busy. I did however, shake off the weekend. Yesterday was very successful in fact. Exercised, walked and kept the calories WAY down.

I also came face to face with 2 of my biggest temptations and walked away. The first and the biggest: There is a store here a couple of blocks from work that specializes in import foods of all kinds Asian, Polish, German. I run in there every once in a while to get a can of tuna and they carry that Atkins yogurt. Well, they have a new British foods section. My favorite candy in the whole world is Jelly Babies, which are not available here and I can only get them on rare occasions or when Millie's family goes to Ireland. They had them. A whole freakin' shelf full. I walked away. I couldn't believe I did it, but I walked away. I am able to have these once a year AT MOST and I walked on by. I was proud and a little astonished.

Later that same day I trapsed into Walgreens to pick up a perscription. Lo and belhold I come face to face with another fairly rare treat - toasted coconut marshmallows. Bags of them. Not as rare, but you usually have to hunt around. JESUS! I walked away. I was strong. I bit my lip, but I stayed strong.

Tried and tested. The oily film of the weekend has passed.

Didn't get a chance to exercise this morning. I was up late finishing the poster for the new Gag Reflex show: DESPERATE HOUSEFLIES (or: What's Larva Got To Do With It). I couldn't drag myself out today. That's okay. I'll do it tomorrow and try to get a little more walking in today.

The weight loss is starting to show. At least I'm feeling it more. The steerin wheel isn't rubbing the front butt much. Plus Millie's sister and mom noticed last week.

Gag Reflex pictures tonight. Can I drop another 35 lbs by tonight? Yes! Where's that letter opener? :)

Lata, e

(ps. Thanks Vi.)

Day 22: Walk It Off

2005-07-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

A new day.

Got up this morning and I am happy to report that I did the entire Richard Simmonds tape. It was an emotional moment of course. I am on track for today. Nothing else much to report.

I am just trying to shake off the feeling of the weekend. It's not easy. There were some kind words from Millie and Danny that made me feel better. I'm trying to not beat myself up, but it's hard. If I don't beat myself up, I'll think it's okay to freak and binge. And it's not. It's just not.

Danny and I are planning to walk tonight. No dinner plans yet, but I'm sure we will eat. :)

Day 21: S.O.S.

2005-07-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

The third week ends. Man. The last 24 hours have been a backward slide that I can't account for. No motivation. The food choices have gone from good to terrible. I've got to shake this off. Really. Yesterday I made good food choices, went to Ruby Tuesday's and did the salad bar only. Then it's like I flipped out and started munching. Today started the same way. I won't even tell you what I've put in my mouth today. Just bad news and we'll leave it at that. It was all found food from around the house. I didn't go get anything from a fast food place. That, at least, is positive.

I just have to pull out of this nose dive. I HAVE to exercise tomorrow morning. I can't sleep through it. I have to do it. I have to walk. And apparently I need to staple my freaking lips shut because my eyes and hands are working over time trying to find shitty things to eat.

I know I can do this. I just need to.

Day 20: Live Nude Burritos

2005-07-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

Stepped on our scale today. The needle lapped the circle once but, after eating dinner, fully clothed and shoes on, I clocked in at about 340 which means, if I started at 350, I've lost about 10lbs in 3 weeks. The changes continue. I'm working really hard to stay motivated. I'm starting to miss foods and I'm starting to convince myself that it's okay to treat myself once in a while.

There's truth in that, but when does that stop. That has always been my problem. Even back in 92 when I was going to Jenny Craig, I started to treat myself to Taco Bell after my weekly meeting. Eventually those "treats" became more frequent. "I was good the first half of the week, I can order pizza." or "I was good all day, how about a couple of burgers for dinner.", "I had a healthy breakfast, burgers for lunch and then something greasy for dinner."

It sounds like I'm exaggerating. Maybe I am a little, but not much. In a lot of ways this is like an addiction. I won't belittle real, life threatening addictions, but in some ways it has to be handled the same way. What it boils down to is this, it is too soon in the game for me to really treat myself. Any lapse in the plan or poor judgement as to what I put in my mouth is that. There is no positive spin. I'm even telling myself that if I don't crack every once in a while I will freak out and eat something REALLY horrible.

The treat will come though, mark my words. When I have lost 45 or 50 pounds... oh yeah. When I finally dip back into the 200s. When I am far enough away from my starting point that falling off the wagon won't put half the weight back on... oh I will treat myself, and I will deserve it then. I'm not going to treat myslef because I am forcing myself to eat celery. Dropping back below 300 is worth a one day treat. I just know that I will lock up and not be able to decide what crappy food I will have. HAHAHAHAHA

Danny and I walked 2 miles or so today. I out walked my 4 year old. "Dad, I'm tired." I felt bad but HELL YA!!! I had more energy than my 4 year old. That felt pretty good. Then we went to the moives and saw Star Wars. I sat there as he barrelled through a bag of popcorn, half a box of milk duds and a soda. I did have a few duds, I admit it.

Oh, and by the way. For fast food choices... if you have a Qdoba near you. They have naked burritos - no tortilla (which I'm finding are killers. All those "Wrap" people can chew on a pound of my ass fat.) The grilled veggie naked burrito with black beans, Pico de Gallo (or however you spell that) and a little salsa verde - mmmmm. Steer clear of the cheese, sour cream and guacamole (my weakness). Good and not a ton in the calorie department.

See you tomorrow for the start of week 4.

TODAY'S VISUALIZATION: My extra tummy skin pulled back, rubber banded and sticking out of my pants like a tail.

Day 19: MO-TI-VATE!!

2005-07-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was scooting along fine. We ate late with Millie's family, which may be what screwed me up. But I had a bit of a munchy freak out before bed last night. I am shamed. And then this morning I slept through my workout time. Yep, I was feeling REAL good about myself this morning...

And then I pulled my belt one hole tighter without even trying. That makes two belt holes comfortably in 3 weeks. Holy crap! It's working! I'm really doing it. I know that this sort of pace and drastic changes won't happen for ever, it will level off. But it's great to be seeing result. The momentary blip last night is in the past... that little leather hole brought my spirits back up.

Big smiles heading into the weekend.

e

Day 18: Celery and Shrinkage

2005-07-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

"The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me."
-George Bernard Shaw

I really don't like celery. As a kid I licked off the filling and threw away the celery. Now, here I sit, munching away and pulling strings out of my teeth. Danny and I got up again this morning with Richard. It's a strange little tradition. Good couple of days too. I am noticing more and more that parts of me are shrinking... don't giggle. Tomorrow we take the next picture. I will be interested to see how things have progressed.

Another night out as a guest of my in-laws tonight. Luckily it's Chinese, so I already know what I can eat.

Have a great day.

Day 17: Richard Injection

2005-07-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

Bet you guys thought I wasn't going to blog today. WRONG! Here I am. Jumped a hurdle last night. The family went to the Chinese buffet for dinner and I managed to not fall off the wagon. It was the first meal out since I started. I passed!! A little of this and a little of this with an ample helping of fresh veggies and fruit did the trick. I was worried until I plugged the info into FitDay.com and I realized that it was okay.

Exercise on the other hand has slipped. I didn't get a chance to walk last night (and probably not tonight) and I overslept this morning and couldn't get my Richard injection. (Sorry that just makes me laugh).

So I'm doing well. Things are becoming routines. I am bracing myself for a huge change in pattern. In two weeks I have to go to Miami for my national sales meeting. Lots of dinners and booze and in between session food. I think I can handle the food, but the booze is another story. The evenings out always include ample amounts of it and I'm one to enjoy indulging on such occasions. I just need to figure out where and when to draw the line. Mostly because I want to be social and have a good time.

We'll see.

Talk to you tomorrow. :)

Day 16: Dolphins!

2005-07-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

You people with your exercise... you weren't lying. I had energy yesterday. A kind of sick, frenetic energy, which is of course wasted in a cubicle and computer environment. My buddy Jeff said that exercise releases dolphins into the blood stream which makes you feel good, etc. It cracks me up because it sounds like something my 4 year old would say.

Speaking of my 4 year old, he's my little coach. I was going to let him sleep this morning while I danced with Richard Simmonds. But he got up on his own, came in and again, ate doughnuts while I sweated. He kept telling me what a good job I was doing. Toward the end, when Richard gets all emotional, and Danny was exercising with me, and that soggy "cool down" music played and I was sweating and panting... I got a little weepy. Danny doing all of this with me is making this so easy. We are spending some quality time together and he is a great motivator. Father and son swaying to Richard Simmonds at 6:45 AM... now that's America.

I happily made it through more of the tape this morning too. Which is good. Tonight, my goal is to not eat after dinner. Last night the late night munching crave was awful and I gave in a little. I still didn't hit 1500, but man it was tough. And I know, I keep carrots and celery on hand... but when 10:30 hits, those are the last things I want.

That's my goal for tonight, stay strong.

Time to talk to the Dolphins.

Day 15: Coordination Ain't The Way

2005-07-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

I did it. Got up early, moved the coffee table, popped in the tape and ... dear sweet God I felt like lumbering oaf with two left feet. Richard Simmonds is a bright, sparkly, gay choreographer and I am the sow's ear, friends. I've decided that I am not coordinated enough to be gay.

That being said, I did it, well, 2/3 of it, as best I could. It will get easier to follow and complete. I'm not giving up, I'm just closing the curtains. HAHAHAHA

It did feel good to get up early and do it. I usually don't get out of bed until the last possible moment, so this was an accomplishment. The funniest part was when Danny crapped out and spent the last 10 minutes eating a doughnut saying "Daddy, you're really good at exercising," Entemann's falling out of his mouth. It just feels like I accomplished something today and it's still morning.

So the plan is to now kick everything up a notch by working out MOST mornings and then a walk in the evening. I want to build slowly toward that 7 hour daily work out that makes Hollywood guys look like that. Sorry, I could barely get through typing that without laughing.

Some people have been impressed with how low I have kept my calorie intake. It's nice to hear when they are impressed. And the best part is, I'm not starving myself. That's good for everybody because a hungry man is a surly, unpleasant man.

Have a great day.

Day 14: Two Weeks ... whoops!

2005-07-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

Weeeeelllll.... I went skating past my usual 12 to 1300 calories a day yesterday. The culprit was refried beans. I knew going into it that it would be high. I got a junior burrito from a local Mexican place. No cheese, no avacado, no meat. Just lettuce, tomato, beans and rice. Next time I just need to plan the rest of my day better. Still, not bad... with a few sneaky sugar wafers I maxed out at 1700 or so for the day.

Danny and I went on the longest walk yet last night. At least it felt that way. We are generally alternating the routes so we don't always go the same way. Which is good, keeps us from getting bored. But About half way through this walk I started regretting the route we took because there was no short cut back. Which was good for me, just a lot of pain and sweating.

So, 2 weeks in? How do I feel? I feel good. The second week went by much faster. After my little dip earlier this week, I remain motivated. Especially after the picture the other night. Danny and I will be going to the grocery store in a little while for a big stock up on stuff. Time to plan some really good dinners and have some lunches ready to go.

And thanks to everybody who has been looking in and giving me encouragement. It really does mean the world to me. The victories feel bigger, the failures are more embarrassing and I generally feel the love . Okay... I'm going to vomit, so I'm going to stop gushing now.

:)

UPDATE: Just a quick update. Did some earnest diet shopping (I have to stop my fear of the word diet.) - Lots of veggies and fruit. Mangos, Plums, grapes, Celery, carrots, more spinach, bananas, etc. Also snagged some whole wheat noodles, hummus (cracked chile and red pepper), got some Fat Free, low carb cheese singles (American Heart Association approved), salmon, low fat cottage cheese, carb smart yogurt, more tuna ... lots of stuff and plenty of regular stuff for Millie and Danny.

I feel like I've been armed.

BTW, Danny and I will be getting up early tomorrow to work out to one of the Richard Simmons "Sweating to the 80's" or some such thing that we have around here. We might still have a copy of Tae Bo around here. That... may be for later.

Wish us luck.

Day 13: Lucky?

2005-07-09T13:43:00.000-07:00

A nice, relaxing Saturday. The house is quiet because Millie and Danny are both sleeping, and I'm typing away in the den.

Did a good long walk last night, pretty sore after a couple days without. Another one today I imagine. I also spent about half an hour last night making 4 tupperware containers with ready to go salads; spinach, iceberg lettuce, carrots, green and red bell peppers and a half a hard boiled egg. The one I had for lunch today I added a can of plain tuna to. Hard to get excited about salads, but it was good.

Still buzzing from the picture last night. It made me sleep better last night.

Any way, not much else. Mood high. Ever forward.

See you tomorrow.

A Quick Interlude

2005-07-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to drop in here and let you know that Millie took my second set of pictures tonight. It's only been a week, but there was a noticable physical difference. YAY me! I don't know what it comes out as in poundage, but you could see it. She could see it too. And yep, I cried. Couldn't help it. Just seeing visibly that it is working was a huge relief. 51 more moments like that and I'll be doing great. :)

Thanks as always.

Day 12: MP3 Panic!

2005-07-08T13:50:00.000-07:00

Another evening without a walk. I'm such a slacker. Actually there was no time. I did get out and do a little grocery shopping. I wouldn't suggest subsisting on them, because they are packed with sodium (seriously), but those little Buddig lunch meats aren't bad. A whole package has a decent amount of protein, next to no carbs and is only about 90 calories for beef and 120 calories for poultry.(half fat ). And people who aren't dieting can eat them too. And they are fairly cheap. So it's actually pretty good for the dieter with a family. I could, of course, be deluding myself about them, but they seem to be on the up and up... if used in moderation.

So Danny and I have planned our walk for tonight. it will probably be a long one too. It's really nice that he likes going on these with me. I had one small hiccup in my routine today when all of the music disappeared from my MP3 player. After a panic I did a disk clean up and it was all still there. I'm unable to walk without my music. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Got this blog in just under the wire. Crazy day...

I hope you all have a great weekend. For those of you who look at the web out of the work setting... talk to you tomorrow!

e

Day 11: Short Change

2005-07-07T07:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day in a while that I haven't been able to go for a walk. Unfortunately there were things that needed to be taken care of and time got away from me. Also, my culinary choices (due to the time crunch) were also not spectacular. However, there will be days like this and that can't be avoided. I still didn't go over 1500 calories... in fact I don't think I went over 1300. I'll have to check. It's just that nutritionally they weren't great.

The good news is that I drove the route I have been walking and I have been short changing myself on the distance. It appears that Danny and I did over a mile and half the other day when I thought we did a mile. What I thought was a quarter mile was actually more like half a mile. I'm no good with distance.

So tonight, there will be a walk, albeit a short one. I have a meeting with the director of my comedy group's TV show, so the walk will have to be before that. Maybe I'll cut out early today so I can get everything in.

The other day Millie did take the first of the periodical shirtless pictures that I can use to judge how I'm doing. I won't be posting them, at least for a long time. This method really worked when I did it in 2000. The changes were drastic over the course of 5 months. I want to get back to that. A new picture the 2nd of every month.

A little grocery shopping tonight. Veggies and fruit. Dinner stuff. Just a stop gap trip.

See ya all tomorrow :)
e

Day 10: Double Digits Baby!

2005-07-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

Back at work today. Last night I did the longest walk so far. I think I did a mile, but I'm not certain - so I split the difference at 3/4ths of a mile. I had to pass the way home half way through the walk and my calves begged me to go home. But I forged ahead, Danny running point on his bike. He and I are really making a habit out of this. He really likes it, which makes me happy. I just have to stay in a good mood on the the tiny treks.

I was surprised to find that Chinese Hot and Sour soup is on the FitDay site. And it actually added alcohol to my daily intake yesterday. I was looking at the list of ingredients and I think it might be off because I don't think there was any Pork in it. Tofu yes, pork no. Needless to say we got Chinese food last night. Rather than my usual order I got rice and a quart of hot and sour soup (which I will be finishing today). Lots of veggies and protein in it, I come to find. And I have sodium leaking out my ears. Cripes.

In a good mood today. I am reinvigorated. New parts of me are collapsing inward. That's always good. Lots of friends showing support to my blog. Things going well. Looks like I got through this bad patch. I'm sure it's not my only one.

Thinking about getting back to meditation. Used to do it years ago. Loaded some meditation music into my MP3 player. Carlos Nakai Native American flute, Paul Horn - Inside the Taj Mahal... my old, baja wearing, lava lamp and incense stomping ground. One of my eating triggers is frustration. Time to work the relaxation tip again. And Dan, if you're reading this, I will be ripping "Song of the Humpback Whale" - perhaps mixing it with The Jerky Boys... the best, most creative sleep ever!!

Lata, e

Day 9: Don't Touch Your Eye!!

2005-07-05T09:32:00.000-07:00

Not a good day for this. Mentally I am at a pretty low point. Just a life thing. Lots of pressure from lots of places. A good time to eat, I suppose. Luckily we are a few days away from the next trip to the grocery store so there's not much to eat. I take that back, there's plenty to eat, just nothing that I can eat. I've managed to work my way through all the stuff I had gathered that was decent. The family is okay, it's just me. Heh... I suppose I'll suffer through.

To be honest, there's not much to report. I think today is just a lay low and not deal with people day. Unfortunately my son came home from preschool with Pink Eye. Always fun. And it's a mood elevator. No more whining. Talk to you tomorrow.

EDIT: Okay. My angel Vi gave me some very good advice. You can read it in the comments, but she is right. I could depress myself into a junkfood binge - but it's still my decision. I'm not going to do it. I've stopped pissing and moaning. It was ridiculous anyway because I could steam some frozen vegetables which are sitting at the bottom of my freezer, and that is probably what I will do. Unfortunately the downward spiral had started as I was getting my son some lunch and I munched on a couple of light hot dogs - no buns or crap, just 2 hot dogs. About 200 calories total. No excuse, just a stupid choice.

I did walk yesterday, incidentally. My routine did not change. I still got out and walked. Today I am waiting for the Doctor to call about Danny and then he and I can go out and walk, unless we have to go to the doctor. Yesterday I also made fettucini for the fam. But I mixed my little bit of noodles and ground turkey with the rest of my chopped broccoli. I decided to avoid the sauce because, frankly, I read the label. So I kept the noodle count down, the ground turkey higher and the broccoli outweighing both. It wasn't a whole lot of work to make two fairly different meals - which is good.

So, mood up. I'm figuring if I can get past this lull in energy over then next few days, I'll be in the clear for a while.

Finding more dimple in hidden places. (just got the call from the doctor. No visit, just some eye drops. YAAAY!)

Day 8: The Wall

2005-07-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

I have hit my mental wall. I cracked last night and slammed a fist full of fudge covered sugar wafers. This morning I woke up thinking that nothing is making any difference and I will fail. I don't want to walk today, I don't want to blog. I want to sit here doing what I have been doing all morning which is sit here recording old cassettes into my computer and then loading them into my MP3 player. I convinced myself that there was no reason to report the cookies on my FitDay journal. If I hadn't it would have started the lies and deception that lead me right back into that downward spiral to my failure.

I forced myself to add it to yesterday's total. Brought me up to over 1500 cals. Looking at it, it wasn't a huge fall. Not a stuffed crust meatlovers pizza kind of fall. But enough of a fall that I felt it. I am forcing myself to blog even though all I have to report is a small failing. If I don't blog that, there's no point in this blog. It would just be half truth and it would fail after only a week.

I can't let that happen. The real issue is my thyroid. Yesterday at my Mom's house (where she made turkey wraps for dinner - because of this blog :) ) I was telling my sister about how FitDay can track how many calories you've burned compared to what you've eaten that day. She asked about my Thyroid which still hasn't been regulated and if that would affect that burn rate. It was like the bottom fell out. I realized that as good as I think I'm doing, and as well as I should be doing... my body is fighting me. I need to get in for my bloodwork. I am currently on .25 mg of Levoxyl and I don't believe it's working fully yet. I need to go in for a blood test to see if they need to boost it. I'm sure they do. I'm really lazy and forgetful about the blood work.

I need to do it this week. I need to walk today, and I will because Danny wants to. I need to push myself through this wall.

Day 7: And on the seventh day the Lard rested...nope.

2005-07-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

Oh my God. Dragging myself out of bed this morning was not easy. I'm worried that I'm going to hit a wall. I am psyching myself up for it. Yesterday was good but not great. I went a couple hundred calories over what I've been doing. I'm not beating myself up because, if you look at my journal, it was still only 1500 or so. I used to do that in a single meal. It's still good. You want to see a disturbing list...

MY STANDARD ORDER AT MANY FAMOUS FAST FOOD PLACES or HOW TO LOOK LIKE ERIC SCHWARTZ WITH ONLY A FEW DIETARY CHANGES
(These did vary from time to time)
McDonald's - 2 double cheese burgers and a McChicken (apple pie optional)
Wendy's - 2 Double Stacks with Cheese, 5 chicken nugget, 1 junior Bacon Cheese
Taco Bell - Chicken Burrito (Grilled Stuffed or Fiesta), 2 chicken Mexi-Melt's (optional chicken or steak taco)
Jimmy John's Subs - Gargantuan Sub (or sometimes a double beef), salami slim , cookie
Subway - 12" BMT (pepperoni, salami, ham) with double meat, cheese, mayo
Burger King - 2 Whoppers (sometimes chicken) w/ cheese, small chicken tenders
Arby's - At least 2 or three regular beef or beef and cheddar , large curly

You know, seeing that written out, my size is no surprise. I actually got weepy. Sorry. Look at that. I had fast food AT LEAST every other day. And the sickening thing is, I still want it. I will not lie, that stuff is so good. I always told myself that I didn't eat enough to be heavy. I actually said that. I said it TO people. You must have thought I was an idiot. I thought, because I didn't eat a lot between meals (which is also a joke) that I didn't eat enough to be heavy. So let's look at the rest of the equation, shall we...

If I ate breakfast it was generally something that was brought in at work, that means doughnuts, danish, bagels etc. OR There is this gas station on the way to work and I might stop and get a pizza puff and a cor dog (that was pretty rare, to be honest). There was also McDonald's . So, on the occasions that I ate breakfast, it was always shit. God help me if I stopped AND somebody brought food to work. Then - lunch - generally you can focus on the Wendy's or Taco Bell orders above. They are a minute from the office. But generally it is some type of large greasy food. On the trip home, if I needed to pick up anything (pop, milk whatever), I usually made sure that I stopped at Casey's general store so that I could add a slice of Pizza and maybe a Reece's to the order. Then dinner... sometimes it's a homecooked meal by either myself or my wife. Lots of pasta and ground beef (we have used turkey a lot the last year or so). But we live in a college town and everything can be delivered. The temptation is strong and we often ordered in hot dogs or burgers, chinese, mexican, subs, and Pizza. Then about 9:30 at night I would get noshy and have a sandwich or a bowl of cereal... or both.

Jesus Christ! That was nearly every day for years. I am reading and rereading this. It's terrible. It's all me. It's not McDonald's fault - I was under no misapprehension about the nutritional value. It's all me. I lied to myself. Rationalized to myself. I put in terms of money (this stuff is a great value! 99cents! I'm full and it's cheap - notice Taco Bell's campaign over the last year).

This was not easy to write. I am a hider. I try to be secretive about what I eat. I don't like people asking and I generally try to do it alone, if I can. This was not easy. But now that I see it... I know I can do this. I can see the changes that need to be made. I really, truly can do this. Half of it is not doing those things any more.

I am sufficiently psyched up for my walk. Thanks for reading my breakdown/through/whatever.

Talk to you tomorrow.
e

Day 6: Weekend at Burnies

2005-07-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my first weekend. And, of course, it's a double length holiday weekend. The saving grace is that, because of Millie's work schedule, we won't be going to any big 4th bashes. I may be cooking out today, but I can control that. If I don't want to be faced with a huge half pound ground sirloin burger, I won't be.

The real battle is time at home with complete access to the kitchen, something that work helps me avoid. I plan to do a lot of writing. I am also working exercise into the plan. Last night Danny went with me on my walk which was a little longer than the day before. He rode his new bike while I walked behind him listening to Millie's walking mix and an installment of "EarthCore", which is the world's first podcast only novel. I don't know if walking to a podcast is do-able. I mean, I did it. It's just easier to push yourself a little further with Prince's "Cream" playing.

Anyway, yesterday was a success. I tried something new, in fact. I did up one of those microwave potatoes, which was great. But I didn't want to dump anything on it because, to me, it defeats the purpose if you dump a ton of fat on it. So I used mustard. Not a ton, just enough to flavor and color it. That's a big step because I am not a mustard fan. I am liking it more because it has nothing it it. I also steamed some broccoli with some lemon-pepper on it. All in all yesterday was a success. I had to push myself up to 1300 calories and, if you look at my FitDay journal, I balanced everything pretty well.

I have noticed a weird "pain" in my abdomen. It doesn't hurt. But it feels like a burn. Like a streak of slightly stabbing heat. It was almost like when I get a stitch in my side. I have also noticed that my digestive system is getting noisier... and not the way Gag fans think I mean. It just feels like things have started working that haven't for a while.

Going to go for a walk with Danny here in a bit, I want to get back in time to watch the opening of the LIVE 8 concert. Thanks to everybody who has been dropping by and giving me words of encouragement. I should have a new picture picture up for future comparison. I'm still deciding if it should be shirtless. HAHAHAHAHA Probably not.

Day 5: Sharkleberry

2005-07-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

Vi! Thank you. I have signed up for an account at FitDay and it's awesome. Any of you thinking about doing this, it's a great free tool. You can plug in what you eat everyday, how much exercise you did and it tallies your calories, how much you burned. It takes a lot of the guess work away. Plus you can put in your goal weight (which for me is a realistic 225 - why 225? Because it's attainable. When I get to 225, we'll see where to go from there.) and a deadline (I gave myself 1 year to the day) and it tells you how much you have to do in small increments. 125lbs sounds huge. But 2.4 lbs per week - not easy, but it sounds a lot better. I'm learning that a lot of this processes is self deception. :)

Pluse FitDay can be public. This way, as with my Blog I am accountable. So here is a link to my FitDay information: CLICK HERE

Did my first walk last night. When I say I walked around the block it doesn't sound impressive. But my block is about 1/4 of a mile around and uphill a good chunk of the way. Still not great. But not having done anything for a while, it was enough. The plan is to keep doing that until, when I get back to my house I don't mind going around again. My wife Millie created a walking playlist on my MP3 player and I had no idea what to expect. So here was my list last night:
"Rhythmeen" - ZZ Top
"Man Underwater" - Bad Examples
"Bust a Move" - Young MC
"Thank God I'm a Country Boy" - John Denver
"Tubthumping" - Chumbawumba
I'm sure there were a few more, but I forgot. The John Denver track almost had me peeing myself when it came on.

So, yesterday was successful. I did just over 1200 calories and I burned more than I ate. I am trying to fight the fear of everything right now and concentrate on healthier eating , eating less and more exercise. Without looking at a label I know what's bad for me and what's not. Here are 10 fast rules to keep in mind:

IF YOUR FOOD ___________ , IT'S NOT THAT GOOD FOR YOU.

1. is handed to you through your car window
2. is the same color as a smurf
3. can stay on the shelves longer than you've had your pet
4. bubbles, pops or fizzes inside its packaging
5. can be bought at a gas station
6. has a vague name like "luncheon meat"
7. is advertised during Power Rangers: SPD
8. comes with a toy
9. can have pictures printed on it
10. is flavored with a made up fruit like "Sharkleberry" or "Crunchberry"

See you over the weekend! Have a great holiday weekend.

Day 4: Front-Butt Dimples

2005-06-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was pretty successful. I'm fairly sure I kept my calorie intake down to under 1000. Which is pretty good for me. My lunch consisted only of a cup of Tofu Miso soup (with seaweed). Mostly because I knew that rehearsal nights are bad eating nights. I had some left over salmon and I did have a hot dog (here comes the rationalization) which, in total was about 250 calories between it and the bun. Still, a slip in the agenda for the sake of convenience - but still a minor accomplishment because I can normally gobble down 3 or 4 of those yummy little fuckers.

So here's the thing I am struggling with, what do I cut out or limit? I'm not doing Atkins, so it's not all Carbs. I am actually trying to limit everything right now so, of course, I feel I am on some aimless diet with no theme. Do diets need themes? I'm trying to avoid the high end of the carb market, but I'm also cutting WAAAAAAAAY back on red meat. I wish I had the tenacity to go vegan. I just know I can't do it. I just don't believe I have that kind of will. I know it could turn me into an energetic, thermogenic, hydromatic dynamo with a gatlin gun for a colon... but in all practicality, I don't believe I could do it.

Firstly, I have no bio-ethical base. If I was against eating animals, I'm sure that would tip me over the line. But I'm not so it all comes down to health. The real issue is that I simply cannot afford to be an earthloving, organic eating person. I can't. I have a family to feed and I'm not about to force them to eat what I eat. If they want to, great, but I'm not one of these people who converts and then tries to recruit. I hate that shit and I won't do it.

So what it boils down to is this...I have to change what I do and who I am. I have to change portion size and the number of times I eat. Those are the biggest. Second biggest is WHAT I eat. So far I have not had fast food in nearly a week. The last one was Saturday when my son and I went to Jimmy John's and I got a veggie sub. I wonder what the busty girl at the Taco Bell drive through is thinking happened to me. Bottom line is that I need to do a fair amount of label reading, but right now it's about altering my habits. Forcibly changing the way I have done things for... frankly, decades.

Banana for breakfast. 2 hard boiled eggs and a banana for lunch. Dinner uncertain. Maybe a plain potato. We'll see. I'm starting to see a little dimpling in the "front-butt" which is usally the first sign that I look for. I know that I will notice little pockets of me shrinking over the next few weeks. The initial changes are usually fairly obvious.

Lata, e

Day Three - Avoiding Slaughterhouse 5

2005-06-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

I did it. I reached yesterday's goal which was to not eat after dinner and not go to bed on a full stomach. I did it. YAAAAAY! Now I have to not do it again tonight. The other challenge last night was dinner. My good friend Dr. K came over and brought some brats to grill and I picked up some hot dogs for Danny too. Just enough of a selection. But I still had my salmon thawing in the fridge. But here was my quandry, it didn't thaw. There was still ice on it. So I almost gave up, because it would take too long. But I got too depressed at the thought of having a hot dog (light or not, it's still 100 cals per dog and the bun is 120 and all carbs.) - So I broke through the "easy/lazy" barrier and argument my mind had thrown up and made the salmon. finished the thaw in the microwave, little lemon pepper, lemon slices, red onion, all wrapped in aluminum foil and tossed on the grill. I nibbled a little on the cheese and crackers that Dr. K had brought and then I had the salmon. No dogs, no sausage and no late night munching. Good evening. Yaaay me.

Tonight will be tricky. Tonight is rehearsal night and generally a night where the fam stops to eat on the way to rehearsal. Usually a burger or dog place. Going to try to avoid tonight. I think we will probably finish up food from last night. For me that means the rest of the salmon and for them the rest of the dogs. We'll see.

So this is interesting. It's an article I found online about medicinal and preventative juice fasts . It sounds like some New Age or "Olden Times" type of process. But some of it makes sense. Something to look into. maybe, once I get past the initial "fuck I'm hungry" thing, I should give it a whirl.

I am noticing that my mood is shifting. I am getting a little surly. To a lesser degree it's what happened when I would quit smoking. Things in my body are starting to change and I'm sure this is part of it. I'm thinking that in a week that may level off. We'll see. I'm still trying to convice Millie that I'm really going to do it. I can't blame her for being skeptical, we've been here before and I let us both down.

She asked if it was harsh to want proof. I told her no. Until changes are noticable this blog and my intentions are empty. Like the wife in Slaughterhouse 5 , a constant, empty promise "I'm gonna lose weight for you."

Day Two - There Has to be a Morning After

2005-06-28T07:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday went well, not great. Last night was tough. We have reached the "eat what you got" stage at our house so the selections were not the best. We nuked up one of those Tyson whole, cooked chickens. But the sides were abysmal - chips, dip and some left over rotini. So I only nibbled because I knew that there was a possibility that I might crack later. And I did, I regret. Some cereal before bed. All in all, not a full success of a day but my calorie in take was way down regardless.

So another day begins. Goal #1 - no eating before bed. Dinner and out. Maybe I should go to bed early to avoid it. It's a little drastic but I can't really describe how bad it gets. I'm not really hungry when it happens, I just want SOMETHING! Tonight, that's the fight.

Accomplishments yesterday - reduced calorie intake, tons of water (holy crap I drank a lot. And as fast as I could drink it, I was dry mouthed again). It's not much, but it's a start.

This morning my wife and I collected all the supplement and diet stuff that has accumulated over the years; a half used can of Slimfast, Relacore, Genisil, Richard Simmons Pills - just to determine what we have. I probably won't be popping many of the pills, but Relacore seems to be the most recent. Mostly it is vitamins, tons of them. 6 pills a day worth. But they do have DHEA in them. They claim to melt belly fat. Well, we have a bottle, give it a try I guess. I was never an experimenter with drugs when I was younger... odd to start now. :)

So far today; Slimfast shake for breakfast. Same exact lunch as yesterday. I have another Slimfast shake for later because I am going to get hungry in the middle of the afternoon. Dinner tonight will be grilled lemon pepper Salmon. And I have to do a veggie. We also have some sugar free popsicles for dessert if need be (thanks Marea). Most importantly, I have to fight the evening munchies. Of all my habits, that's the worst right now.

Also, thanks to my buddy Mad Dog who spent a little time label reading with me at the grocery store.

Day one off and running... well, walking briskly

2005-06-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

Okay. So it begins. A couple of my friends at work looked at the site and gave me some wonderfull words of encouragement. It still feels empty on my part because it's just a promise blog. Nothing really to it other than my declaration. I spoke to my pal Mad Dog and and asked him if I should post a list of what I eat during the day. He said that it wouldn't mean anything to any readers, but he thinks it's a good idea for me to see it in print. (The same tactic is applied in Jenny Craig and any weight loss program.) So here, I am going to hold myself accountable for what I put in my mouth... stop giggling.

So far today: No breakfast, 2 cups of coffee with non-dairy and sugar (this needs to go eventually, but this realistically needs to be in stages). Lunch was 2 Atkins yogurts and a fat free tuna salad thing. And lots of freakin water. I've run to the head 6 times so far this morning.

I'm offline at home for a couple of days, so I won't be able to update tonight. Trying to figure out dinner tonight. See having a family does put me at a slight disadvantage, especially in the area of carbs. The truth is pasta is cheap and easy to make. I can feed my family quickly, cheaply and with ample portions with pasta and the like. So I need to start thinking about what I can logically do to fit my personal changes into the family budget and meals.

Also trying to list some of my triggers in my head. What really drives me to eat eat eat, it's not simply boredom. it seems to be linked to times of day. After dark is when I get the munchies the most. That's when I start slamming sandwiches and bowls of cereal. I really love having a full stomach going to bed. Now I need to look at how that started. I think it was cheese and crackers as a snack before bed when I was a kid. Maybe. More thought needed.

Later and thanks for the nice words I have already received. XToday looks like it's going to be a success.

The Lard's Prayer

2005-06-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

Hi. Thanks for stopping by. This is a picture taken a few months ago during a charity show at The Woodstock Opera House in Woodstock, IL. For those of you who don't know me, I am a writer and performer with the comedy group Gag Reflex. As of right now I am clocking in at roughly 350 lbs. I say roughly because the average house hold scale doesn't go over 300. At least none that I have seen.

Before you roll your eyes and mutter something unpleasant, I am not here to piss and moan about my weight. Though there may be some pissing and moaning from time to time, that's not the point of this blog. This blog is an attempt to do something about my weight. Even though I have put nearly my whole life out for public view on stage, online, in music etc --- my battle with my weight is something that I keep to myself and amongst my friends. Well, I think I keep it to myself... the fact that I am losing this war is out there for the whole world to see.

So why now? It's not that I haven't fought this in the past. I did Jenny Craig for a year back in the early 90's. I went Ovolacto about 5 years ago and lost a bunch of weight. But I always seem to fall back on my bad habits. I am taking this particular approach because I haven't before. Now, I will be held accountable by an audience. Not just those who love me, but complete strangers that hopefully will stop by and comment.

I also want to say up front here; I have no one to blame but myself. I have spent the last 3 decades creating terrible eating habits. While I do suffer from a thyroid condition called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis , I was large long before that manifested itself. I have been a little lax in using my meds, a pill called Livoxyl, so my doctor hasn't yet found the right dosage. Mostly the thyroid makes it twice as hard to lose the weight. The real battle is fighting these habits and urges that I have created. I know it can be done. I've done it, but how do I keep it going forward. I need to completely reboot my eating habits. Start over. I don't have a plan. At least not a whole one. The first thing to go has GOT to be fast food. I need to stop convincing myself that somehow a Chicken Whopper is okay. Or a chicken burrito supreme. None of it's okay for me. I'm just not built for it.

As time goes on you will see some of the strange tricks an addicted mind can play. I plan to chronicle all of it like Dr. Jeckyll. I know the tricks. I successfully quit smoking about a year and a half ago. In that time I have had only 1 cigarette... that down from 2 packs a day. I know I can do this. I just need to turn it into an entertainment avenue to keep it going.

So here are my reasons. These are the things that I have listed to myself as reasons to not quit.
1. I don't want to die. (Fairly straight forward)
2. I don't want to lose my legs because that would make me want to die (see above)
3. I'm tired of disappointing my son. He wants to play chase and I want to sit. I hear "Cats In The Cradle" everytime.
4. My wife really, truly believes that I will be dead by the time our son is 18. She's probably right, the way I'm going. I just want to prove her wrong.
5. I don't want my parents to die thinking that this beat me.

So here I begin. If this interests you, by all means check back in to see how I am doing. If not, you can go away, no harm no foul. For me, this all begins anew tomorrow morning. I know, I know. But I've already fucked up today. So, when my son and wife get up from their naps, I'm going to order pizza and make it my last hurrah.

I think I just heard a collective "yeah right" echo in cyber space.

Okay then, I accept your challenge. Either that or one of the voices in my head just got really loud.

EDIT: (LATER) I had a small Lo Mein instead. Happy?